.: Chasing Butterflies:.

Note: My meals and snacks from today are going to be randomly slotted in between paragraphs. Hehe. Just a word of warning in case it gets confusing! x)

“Only as high as I reach can I grow,
Only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.”
- Karen Ravn

When Kor and I were little, we used to gather with the other kids in our neighbourhood every afternoon at 5pm sharp to do what all little children ought to do – PLAY! Every so often, we would bring a small, plastic fish tank down with us, equip ourselves with small nets and chase after butterflies in hopes of catching them. More often than not, we would go home with an empty container. However, the few times we did manage to trap one, we would have no idea whatsoever how to keep the butterfly alive. We would throw an abundance of leaves into the tank, an odd flower or two, thinking that it would be enough to sustain it. Each time, upon being caught, our new ‘pet’ would become more and more lethargic before our very eyes as it fluttered in the confined space we had put it into, eventually becoming motionless – dead.

Breakfast: Sunny-side Up (on a Sunny Tuesday Morning!) on Toast! Think: Runny yolk! MmMmMm...

As I reminesced about this segment of Kor’s and my childhood this evening, I realise that a lot of my life so far has been spent chasing ‘butterflies’ – ‘butterflies’ in the form of societal expectations not just in terms of beauty standards, but also acadamic achievements and the need to be the best, even though Mum and Dad have never placed such pressures on me. Interestingly though, it has dawned on me how silly I have been because in truth, all these butterflies I have been chasing? They were always in me from the start.

Beauty? Check.
Smarts? Check.
Success? Check.

Morning Snack: Chocolate & Caramel Pudding with Toast

Of course, beauty, intelligence and success levels are all subjective. A lilballerina shared with me her thoughts on success through email this morning that said,

“I think that success is not what others see physically, but what you personally feel deep inside. That whatever challenges you may face, you know you have tried your very best and you know it… Success does not have to be a big one, it can be tiny bits of success! Let’s say you challenge yourself to eat a fear food each day at least once, and manage to do it. It may not seem like a huge step in a day, but if you look at it in terms of a week you have actually succeeded in eating you fear food 7 times already! Tiny bits of mini successes add up to a huge ball of success!… So, I think that success can only be determined by oneself, not how others see it but you and you and you yourself only!”

Lunch: A simple salad of Roasted Butternut Squash with Pinto Beans, Beetroot, Hericot Verds and Feta Cheese

My first time trying Feta and it tasted kinda goat-y although it actually started growing on me the more I ate it. x)

I have determined that I AM beautiful as I am. I AM smart in my own way and I HAVE succeeded in so many many things. Similar to how Kor and I would catch butterflies and keep them in a tiny tank, ED caught me and shoved me into a slimy, cold, oppressive dungeon, refusing to allow me to unfold my wings and fly. It kept me shackled; chained. It kept me weighed down and as I sunk lower and lower into it, I could feel life, energy, hope and happiness seep out of my pores – All because I was too busy chasing after all the things I thought I didn’t have. I got distracted. And I got caught in ED’s web of lies.

Afternoon Snack: Go Natural Fruit & Nut bar with Dark Choc Ripple - I keep getting attracted to the 'Dark Choc Ripple' idea although the chocolate isn't really very prominent =S

Perhaps it is time for us to stop and take a reality check, to see ourselves for all the things we have achieved, and all the big and little things we have accomplished, that we have succeeded in. Because it is only when we do take stock, will we realise how HUGE a success we are. Think of the things we now take for granted that are in essence, accomplished feats – Things like… learning to crawl as babies, then learning how to walk; mastering the art of speaking and writing; being able to love and be loved; picking up various sports or cultivating your talent for music perhaps; passing your driving test; your first time going out with friends without adult supervision; your first time going on a date(!!)…

Dinner: Fried Rice with onions, green beans, mushrooms and mince with some soy sauce and chilli. Scrumptious! x)

I could sit here and rattle on for hours on end but I’m sure you can come up with a gazillion more successes that are sure testaments of your strengths and your abilities. These are the things that have helped shaped us into who we are. We just need to start looking at our reflections and recognising that all the while, as we have been running after all of life’s supposed ideals, while we have stared at others around us wishing we could be like them, we too are in fact more beautiful than the butterflies we see and we have the power to set ourselves free!

Nightcap: Stonyfield Blueberry Yoghurt with Blueberries, Papaya and Wheatgerm, and a cup of Fruit & Veg Yoghurt drink

“You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy (or girl) who’ll decide where to go.”
- Dr. Seuss

(Btw, I love Dr. Seuss!! Lol)

After two evening straight of me talking about my younger days, I thought it’d be nice if you could share with me one, or a few if you want, childhood memory of yours - ones where you felt most happy, most carefree. It can be anything, anything at all. You know, just so that I can know a little more about you! x)

Toodles for now my sweeties!!

xx

.: Lost & Found :.

When I was at a not-so-tender age of 12 and a half, I tried for the first time to take a public bus home from school. I know I know -  Most Singaporean kids start travelling alone on public transport before their 9th birthday but don’t judge! Lol. Anyway, I has half-way through my first year in secondary school, and my group project mates were to come to our home to do some work together. So, I decided to take it as an opportunity to travel home by bus and using the idea of ’safety in numbers’, Mum and Dad were fine with the arrangement.

My secondary school is actually a mere 10 minutes away by bus and although Dad had pointed out the bus stop we were to alight at the day before, I hadn’t paid proper attention. Imagine how stupid I must have looked pointing out our condo to my friends going ‘That’s where we’re going! That’s where I live! I think our stop’s coming soon!’.

Before I knew it, I lost sight of home. Now, being a rambunctiously proud girl, I refused get off and turn back. I simply pretended in front of my friends that we were still on the right route home. Needless to say, we ended up sitting a good 45 minutes on the bus (which is considered loooong in Singapore terms) and found ourselves at Tampines bus terminal with no more road ahead to travel. Embarrassed, I had to call Mum and Dad to pick us all up, marking the end of my little adventure with my project mates.

Buuuut…

I learned my lesson – The lesson that taught me that if I am lost, it is essential to open my mouth and ask for help. And that I started doing when I began travelling alone on planes while I was studying in the UK and had to shuttle back and forth during the holidays. However, I do admit that at times, pride still gets a hold on me and I refuse to seek help even when I am in the dark.

The whole bus incident kept popping up in my head again and again the past few days, almost as if telling me two things, of which I will delve into after presenting to you my brekkie, morning snackie and lunchie!

Breakfast: Mexican Beans on Toast with Babybel Blue Cheese and Cheddar Cheese

Morning Snack: Larabar Coconut Cream pie

Coconut has started growing one me – not literally of course! Hehe. Larabar’s Coconut Cream Pie was light on the coconut so it didn’t make me feel too overwhelmed and I found myself thoroughly enjoying this bar from first bite to the last. The flavours of this were a little more on the mild side though compared to some of Larabar’s other bars, but the almond bits and coconut flakes married beautifully together that I could just about imagine myself chillaxing on a deserted island, sitting on soft sand… yes, under a coconut tree! x)

Lunch: Baked Purple Wheat Noodles with Mushrooms, Mince in Spicy Tomato Sauce, Topped with Brie. Oh so delightfully yummy!

Lesson 1:
Whenever I face struggles, be it in recovery, in school, in life, it is always important to learn to ask for directions. The worst that can happen is that the person I may be seeking help from is unable to help me, in which case, I would be no worse-off. But in the case that they are able to help, I only have much to gain.

“Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
Matthew 7:7

In recovery, calling out for help is sometimes the most difficult thing to do. I guess it almost feels like seeking help is synonymous with exposing one’s weakness, exposing one’s failure to maintain control in his or her life. On hindsight though, I think that the day I learned to ask for help with regards to ED, was the day I opened the door to God, to love, to new friendships, to renewed relationships, to learning more about myself… ED to me, has been quite akin to Pandora’s Box – opening it unleashed disease, illness, evil, darkness. However, right at the bottom of that box, as they say, there lay hope. All I had to do was make the first step in asking for and accepting help, before Hope presented itself to me, assuring me that it would shine its glorious light upon me and shun away all the evil within me in time, as per God’s plan.

Before moving on to Lesson 2, a break will probably go down well right about…. now. Hehe. Presenting the rest of today’s eats:

Afternoon Snack: Larabar Jocalat Chocolate

Never fails to impress! Need I say more? x)

Dinner: Zughetti (Zucchini+Spaghetti get it??? Lol) with carrots, haricot beans, mexican beans, and egg and cut-up toast a.k.a. Nattie's 'croutons'!

Nightcap: Stonyfield's Plain Yoghurt with Vanilla PB and Manuka Honey, with a mug of Fruit & Veg Yoghurt Drink

Lesson 2:
Something else I learned from my misadventure is that, well, to put it bluntly: I failed. Simple as that.

BUT did I really?

I’d like to see it as an event in my life that made me wiser. You see, if not for the little things or big tasks we undertake that do not pan out as we would have liked them to, we would not be able to appreciate all the other things that do turn out well.

Mistakes- we all make them. It’s important however, to remember that our mistakes are not what defines who we are. No one goes through life able to achieve success after success because then, their successes would be nothing but a normal, everyday life event for them. There would be nothing for them to be take pleasure in and life would be dull and boring. No. Mistakes, so-called ‘failures’ are committed in order to highlight all our achievements; to allow us to relish those little victories and to remember that we are often worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for.

I think I quite enjoy facing hiccups from time to time. They are after all, what makes us human. The accumulation of experiences have led me to become the person I am today. Sure, my first attempt to make it home in this instance may have failed, but that’s how I learned. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I never missed my bus stop since then either! x)

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing.”
Denis Wailey

Don’t beat yourself up if you happen to ‘fail’ at something. I know for a fact that it is only because God is furthering preparing you for the successes that await you further ahead. We should not let success or failure define who we are. Rather, it is we who should define success; it is we who should define failure.

I define success as being able to get past whatever obstacles we may face in our day. It doesn’t matter how clumsy we may look climbing over each hurdle, it doesn’t matter if we have to stop and take a breather, it doesn’t matter if we break down in despair at the painstaking work we are investing into that fight. What matters is that we don’t give up – That, to me, is success.

I know my definition of success isn’t universal. So tell me, how do you define success? I know this question’s quite a toughie so even if you can’t quite answer it, do think about it yes? x)

Big love to all you beauties!!

xx

.: Confuzzled :.

As of now, like right this moment, I am officially feeling confuzzled. Confused and puzzled about what you ask? Well, I’m feeling confused and puzzled about how I’m feeling. Lol. Now are you feeling confuzzled too?? It’s kind of odd I would say. I feel as if I ought to feel guilty and yet, I don’t…

For about 6, 7 years now, Mum has been volunteering at the Assisi Hospice Day Centre - Children’s section, where children in remission or who are undergoing treatment for cancer go every day in order to interact with each other, learn, as well as receive specialised care since their immune systems tend to be rather weak. I used to volunteer with Mum too, but now, with Uni and school work, I haven’t visited the children for ages now. =(

Anyway, Assisi Hospice holds a fund-raising dinner annually in order to raise funds, through donations, for their patients – both adults and children who attend the day centre, and also, those who are staying at the hospice full-time and are awaiting the minute that God calls them home. Today happened to be the night of their dinner and as usual, Mum and Dad bought two tables, and as usual, I had to attend as well. Now, I say ‘had’ but obviously, it’s not like I was forced to go. I have been trying not to think too much about it although this morning and afternoon, I had an intense urge to back out because the thought of a 5 course meal was so daunting… but I managed to make myself go.

I got pretty stressed out to be honest, just before we were due to be at the Pan Pacific Hotel and was close to tears at the thought of having to eat various courses and not know what was to be served. Furthermore, everyone at the table I was to be seated at knows about my struggle with anorexia and I was afraid that they would be scrutinising me as I ate. This worry translated into bodily insecurities and I started becoming critical about myself, my body in particular and how fat I felt. Keyword: Felt (Subjective). But as with everything, God saw me through this evening and on top of that, it served to remind me of how much ED lies.

That fear was uncalled for and was instigated by ED simple to hold me back from socialising and enjoying this beautiful evening. In fact, all the irrational thoughts that entered my mind really was a waste of energy since it was simply an assumption of how I was expecting things to turn out when in fact, I had no idea what the menu was going to be.

Dinner kicked off with a Grilled Mushrooms with Basil, Asparagus with Mango Salsa and Lime Oil, and Date and Sprouts wrapped in Cucumber. This was a nice start to dinner – light on the palate with a clean finish. The mushrooms I have to say, were totally flavourless which was disappointing for me since I heart mushrooms!

Dish #2 was Angelotti Pasta filled with Carrots, Tomatoes, Bononcini Cheese served with Majoram Herb Jus and topped with Enoki Mushrooms. The sauce was a little sweet for my liking but the filling of this giant ravioli-like pasta was pretty yummy! There was a subtle hint of the creamy cheese that was perfectly balanced with the minced vegetables. I quite liked this even though the asian enoki mushrooms seemed a little out of place here. Lol.

The Tomato Consomme with Basil, Vegetables and Mushrooms was not something that appealed to me much. It wasn’t as full-bodied as I would have liked it. The punch from the tomato was a little limp but perhaps that’s the point of a consomme? I don’t know…

At this point, I was still feeling pretty ok about the food. Of course, it was also around this time that I realised that tonight’s dinner wasn’t about food. It was about the charity. It was about being there at the dinner and showing my support for an organisation whose works I believe in. It was about helping all the little kiddies that added sparkle to my day each time I went to visit them and play with them.

But… that doesn’t mean I still can’t discuss about the food! x)

Pan-fried Potato Croquettes with Green Beans, Baby Turnips and Grilled Tomatoes. The sauce on the side tasted like the one that came with the Angelotti Pasta. I found this to be an utter disappointment. Everything looked pretty on the plate and the croquettes definitely beckoned me. Upon digging in however, it turned out to be incredibly salty. I’m not just talking about a dash of salt here, I’m talking about salty salty salty. Initially, I thought it may have been me not being used to eating too much salt. However, Aunty G who was next to me tried some and before I even made a comment, she declared that it was definitely high in the sodium department. I couldn’t finish the croquettes in the end even though I have to admit that texture and taste-wise, it had some standard. All they had to do was be less heavy-handed on the salt!!

Dinner rounded up with some Seasonal Berries served with a Fruit Jelly which was not too sweet and just the right consistency – not too firm and not too wobbly. The other dessert served was a Hazelnut Praline Gateau with Seasonal Berries. This was also not as cloying as I thought it would be and the praline base was to-die-for! I’m a total sucker for hazelnut praline. I think I could have eaten the base without the Gateau and I would still be one delirously happy Nat!

I thoroughly enjoyed this evening’s entertainment and company. The food came secondary in my opinion. Also, having not seen Aunty G for ages, it was great being able to catch up with her. She is such a darling and I love her to itty bitty bits!

When I came home, I still ended up having my nightcap despite it being so close to midnight. Part of me was reluctant to have it having sat through and eaten a 5-course dinner but after being prompted by Mum, I had myself a bowl of Organic Yogurt (It’s called Organic Yogurt. Lol) with Dark Chocolate PB and Manuka Honey.

This is why I am feeling so out of sorts right now. I mean, after the whole dinner and everything, I feel like I should be guilty for having ‘indulged’ and yet, I actually feel… I wouldn’t say good, but I actually feel alright. I feel ok. I feel normal. No – I lie. I feel a little jiggly but nothing I can’t cope with I suppose. And what with the nightcap and all…

Dang it! Haha. I should be feeling mighty pleased with myself. Stupid Nat! I think I must be the dumbest person in the world to be feeling confused just because I feel fine about eating. In fact, isn’t it all part of normalising my eating habits and my perception towards food?!

While this evening did get me feeling stressed up and afraid, everything panned out ok. More than ok in fact. God brought me to it and He saw me through it. And guess what?! I’m still alive! x)

Here are some of my other eats from today:

Breakfast: Chocolate Pudding with Blueberries and an Apple sliced up

Morning Snack: Luna Bar Chocolate Raspberry

Luna Bar Chocolate Raspberry was really good to eat! It had an almost fudge-like texture and the chocolate was not too intense. Instead, it allowed the raspberry undertones to shine through and the raspberry flavour tasted wholly natural to me. It didn’t seem to have an artificial quality to it. So good!!!! Neither the chocolate nor the raspberry flavour had to compete for attention simply because they both manage to hold their own, while still being able to create sweet harmony together!

Lunch: Egg on Toast with Sprouts, Sweet Red Peppers and Pumpkin.. Ooh perfect egg!!! Or egg yolk rather x) *slurp*

Afternoon Snack: Larabar Jocalat Chocolate Cherry

This was almost like eating a Blackforest Cake in bar form. Almost! Hehe. The chocolate here didn’t taste too strong and the tartness from the unsweetened cherries were a welcome addition. This bar was not overly moist and had a brownie-like quality to it that made it an orgazzzmic experience for my tastebuds! That said, my preference still lies in the Larabar Jocalat Chocolate Mint and Chocolate Coffee flavours although this would still suit me fine any day as an alternative.

I was intending on writing about some other stuff but I am knackered! I shall keep my thoughts for tomorrow and leave you all to enjoy the rest of your weekend!

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage and confidence in the doing.”

Sometimes, we may not know what to expect out of certain situations we encounter and that creates fear in the uncertainty, the insecurity. Facing up to them may seem like the scariest thing to do but so often, from my experiences, I realise that things never turn out as badly as my mind had ‘projected’ it to. I guess it all boils down to trusting God and believing that He will make everything right for us. It’s kind of the same with recovery. To become healthy may seem scary because there is no guarantee that things will be as bright and as beautiful as so many people seem to suggest. It is only when we let ourselves become healthy in body, and then in mind as well, will we be able to see for ourselves how being ED-free is to OUR own benefit; that it really isn’t as bad as ED leads us to think. Once the chapter of ED in our life is closed, our strength, courage and confidence can be realised from having defeated our inner demon.

Sorry! I just felt so inclined to try and end this post off with a bang! Hehe. I’m off to visit the bed bugs now =S Lol.

Love love my lovelies! Remember: We are not mere survivors. We are WARRIORS!! *Mwah*

xx

.: Living Sunshine :.

Happy Saturday hunns!

The sun was nice enough to pay us a visit today and stay for almost the entire day. That certainly perked me up. Is it just me or does the weather sometimes affect your mood? I find that I tend to be more upbeat and optimistic when the sun is out and about! When I was in the UK, I hated winter with a vengeance simply because it was miserable on the most part – cold, grey and wet. I did love the snow though but living just out of London, it never really got cold enough to snow properly and most of the snow that fell would quickly turn to slush. Living overseas certainly made me so much more appreciative of our warm weather, even if it does on occasion give me the odd zit! I’m a total sun, sand and sea kinda girl – at least I used to be, until I started to worry about the harmful effects of too much UV rays on our skin. Lol.

Breakfast: Yoplait Lemon Cream Pie Yoghurt with Raisins Oats & More Cereal

Morning Snack: Larabar Tropical Fruit Tart

Considering how much I love the tropics, I’ve never been quite so keen on pineapples. I guess I’m generally not much of a citrus fruit girl. Nevertheless, I had a Larabar Tropical Fruit Tart bar at hand that I decided to try this morning. The infusion of pineapple, coconut and orange peel made this bar exceptional and it exceeded my expectations by a mile! It wasn’t as acidic as I had anticipated, and the cashews and dates played down the tangyness of the fruits. This was like a super yummy, less sweet, more nutritious, edible version of a tropical fruit punch!!

Lunch: Zucchini 'Spaghetti' with Spicy Peanut Sauce, Broccoli, Mushrooms and Egg Tofu... I slurped this up in a flash! Uber delish!! x)

You know what? After yesterday’s post on 6 reasons to smile, I realise I left out one of the most important reasons to smile…

Afternoon Snack: Cheddar Cheese and Sundried Tomatoes on Toast

NooOooo.. Not cheese on toast although that did give me reason to smile. x)

Reason #7: The gift of life

I know I know. It is almost too obvious isn’t it?

But I’m sure almost all of us get so caught up in life at one point or another that we forget to take a step back to not only take stock of the blessings that have been presented to us, but also to acknowledge that our very existence is in itself a miracle.

Dinner: Sweet Potato with Broccoli, Sweet Red Peppers, Mushrooms and Cottage Cheese-Salsa

Have you ever wondered what would have become of us if we had not been born?

Would we still be floating around in heaven waiting to be matched with a suitable set of parents?

Or would we never have the chance to live and breathe in this world?

Personally, I think it would be the latter.

Imagine how the tiniest of difference in the life our of parents could have made all the difference. If they had not met… If they had not done the *eh hem* deed at that precise moment… we wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be here. It’s mind boggling just thinking about how so many factors can contribute to the creation of one life, but at the same time, it really is amazing.

Nightcap: Stonyfield Blueberry Yoghurt with Wheatgerm and Blueberry; Soy Milk

I tried Waitrose’s Soy Milk this evening since I’ve finished off my stock of Anlene Milk. Dad did buy me more today though since it’s got a whole lot more calcium in one packet compared to normal milk. I still prefer Alpro Soy Milk though… Anyhooo.. Night cap was lip-smackingly good! And what better to pair blueberry yoghurt with blueberries?!

I cannot drive home further the fact that we have every reason to smile each morning simply because we have been blessed with life. I used to wonder what the point of life is. I used to think that everything we do would be pointless since death is inescapable- so why bother? Now, I realise that to me, life is more than waiting for the end. It is about making the most of it, finding a purpose for ourselves and knowing that God breathed life into us for a reason.

No matter how it seems that our presence on earth may be a result of a series of coincidences, I think there’s more to it than just that. Life is about living, not surviving. It is about experiencing, not avoiding. It is about learning, not about ignoring. We can’t wait for life to begin. We have to make it begin.

All of us are worth so much that no price tag will ever be able to justify our value. Don’t go through life merely existing. Start each day excited with the prospect of all the wonderful possibilities that are waiting to be grabbed hold of and SMILE – because you are entitled to experience the joy of being alive!

“You are not the momentary whim of a careless creator in the laboratory of life… You were made with a purpose.”
- Og Mandino

Much Love from Me to You! <3
xx

.: 6 Reasons to Smile :.

Today’s post ain’t gonna be too long my dearies! Haha. You must be thinking: Phew! No long essay to read – Thank Goodness! But I know how much you’re gonna be missing my long-winded post tonight. Which reminds me… with exams commencing in like, 2(!!!) weeks – I only just realised today, I don’t think I’ll be able to devote too much time to blogging until the first of December when I have my last paper. I mean, I’ll still be dropping by everyday to post up my nom-noms but unless I am hit by a wave of inspirational thoughts, I will probably have to refrain from writing like I have been.

AnyhOooo..

Here are 6 reasons to smile today!

Reason #1: It’s a Friday!!

Which means that the weekend has arrived yet again! Use this weekend to pamper yourself, to make yourself feel beautiful and worthy of all the love you can and should pamper your body with. Take the time to read a good book, or chillax and spend time with your loved ones. Have a nice walk around the neighbourhood and admire the miracles of the world. Even if you are going to have a busy busy weekend, pick just one thing you would like to do, something that you know you are capable of doing for YOURSELF, and do it. =)

Breakfast: Cottage Cheese with Dulce de Leche and a sliced up Apple

Reason #2: You look gorgeous smiling!

It’s so true how a smile can soften up one’s face. I realise how harsh and uppety I can look when I don’t smile. Warm, sincere smiles are like natural magnets that attract people to you. Furthermore, haven’t you heard of that saying? The one that goes… “Smile because you never know who might be falling in love with it”? Well, I think it’s true!

Morning Snack: Go Lean Crunch Chocolate Peanut

I couldn’t taste the peanut even though the chocolate was definitely apparent seeing that this bar was half-coated in milk chocolate. This didn’t taste too heavily of protein which was nice although truth be told, it tasted pretty similar to the other 3 Go Lean bars I’ve tried so far. I wasn’t too impressed – It was edible, tasty-enough, but had no ‘WOW’ factor for me.

Reason #3: You’re loved!

Take a break from what you’re doing and think of all the people who love and care for you. Can’t think of one to start with? Why not this person: NATTIE TAN! Now do I see a smile tugging at the corners of your lips? x) Sometimes, we don’t fully realise the extent to which we are loved until we sit back and think. For starters, we are loved unconditionally by God who will never forsake us whatever circumstances we may be in. We are loved by family, by friends… And the best thing is that they love us in spite of our flaws; they love us simply for who we are, not what they want us to be!

Lunch: Baked Tofu Sandwich with Eggplant and Beetroot Dip

Reason #4: You are blessed

We are blessed with more blessings than we can count with our fingers and toes put together, it’s just a matter of whether we recognise them or not. Think about the warm bed you woke up in today, or the hot shower you had this morning… Think about the access we have to a wide variety of foods – food that people in places like Africa will never get to even smell in their lifetime! Think about our ability to wake up each morning, hop out of bed and skip out of our bedrooms. All these things we tend to take for granted are really blessings in their own way.

Afternoon Snack: KIND Almond Walnut & Macadamia Bar

I thoroughly enjoyed this KIND bar with its wide assortment of nuts. It was more than an almond, walnut and macadamia bar. This bar even had chunky brazil nuts in it that totally upped the ‘yum’ factor for me. It wasn’t too sweet either! Honestly, it was scrumptious nuttiness in every bite, with each bite comprising of different nut flavours that kept me excited with each mouthful of new nut permutations and combinations. Hehe.

Reason #5: It keeps you feeling optimistic

Smiling releases endorphins into our brains and that helps us to stay positive even in the face of negativity. I read somewhere that if you smile and try to think of something sad, it’s really quite difficult. Ok. I trying it right now and I am honestly finding it tough to think of something negative so I deduce that it must be true! Smile and your brain sends ‘happy’ signals all through your body! Try it and see if it works!!

Dinner: Purple Wheat Noodles with Egg Tofu, Kimchi and Shimeiji M'rooms

I had a packet of Koka purple wheat noodles this evening that’s new on the market and is packed full of antioxidants – hence the purple colour. It can be eaten dry or in soup but I chose to have it dry with kimchi, tofu and mushrooms. The noodles turned out pretty tasty and slightly chewier compared to the usual instant noodles. What I like most is that this wasn’t deep-fried. Apparently, instant noodles are deep-fried before being dehydrated and packed. I also heard that Koka is planning to add flavoured seasoning in these packets of noodles but I’m crossing my fingers that they continue to sell them like now – without seasoning, simply to be used for multi-purpose cooking and consumption. Thumbs up from me!

Reason #6: You are strong

What does strength have to do with smiling? The connection seems to be lacking here but I say that a great reason to smile is because you managed to get through today. Not just today though. You also got through this week! I believe that with every day we are able to emerge from without so much as a few bumps and bruises; with every day that ends with us still remaining whole, it means that we have become stronger. We have become stronger because of all the new lessons we have learned throughout the day. We are stronger because we managed to navigate ourselves through the series of obstacles that may have littered our path today. So smile, because you got through the rough and tumble of life, and guess what? You’re still here!

Nightcap: Dairy Farm Yoghurt with Vanilla Heaven PB, Alpen Cereal and Blueberries

“Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it”
- Author Unknown

If you didn’t already know, you all make me smile!

xx

P.S. Krazeebars has just brought in new flavours of Larabars, Larabar Jocalat bars and Luna bars! x) Have a lovely weekend my lovelies!

.: De-’MYTHS’tified:.

Today was pretty much spent going back and forth to SGH – first, having to see the dietitian late morning, and then to see V mid-afternoon. June, my usual dietitian wasn’t around today but the one I saw was pretty nice too. Thankfully, she didn’t weigh me again since I got weighed yesterday by Dr. S, and she also said that I can stick to my current meal plan and stated number of supplements! YAY!

As for my session with V, it was a wonderful session simply because I no longer talk about morbid, depressing issues – not because I don’t want to, but because there aren’t any more to discuss! I’ve been increasingly dominating the discourse of my appointments with V just because I have so much to say and share with her. This afternoon, I ended up talking as if it’s the last day I’ll ever get to talk and it felt great being able to be so open in my thoughts. Honestly, despite all the resentment I ED used to make me feel towards V initially, all her hard talking somehow managed to infiltrate the thick shell that I had adopted when I was sick and without her, I don’t think I would have managed to grow so much emotionally and psychologically.

Anyway, this afternoon’s session helped me to reflect on so many things and it made me realise just how twisted my thoughts were a few kilos ago. So I thought I’d share with you the myths that ED had led me to think were going to happen as I recovered, and the real truth that I am now experiencing. But first, the first half of today’s eats:

Breakfast Lovin': Soynut Butter on Toast with Manuka Honey! The heart's for all of you x)

By the way, I had a Banana Ensure Plus with breakfast but I figured that my supplements are pretty much always around so you can probably imagine a packet of Ensure Plus next to my breakfasts and afternoon snacks if they happen not to be in the picture! Lol.

Morning Snack: Springhill Milk Chocolate Delight! Never fails to send me to heaven, even if only for a while...

Lunch: Chicken Cutlet with Sauerkraut Sandwich. Two thumbs uppety up up!

And now, on to ‘Myths & Truths’ Part 1:

Myth #1: Fear of losing control and becoming overweight

Each time I came out of restriction, my greatest fear was that I would gorge myself non-stop and swing towards an overeating disorder. I guess part of the reason was largely because my body would be craving so much – carbs and sugary foods in particular, and the first stages of weight restoration would see me tending towards wanting those foods. ED would hammer me each time I ate them, telling me that I would simply balloon out of control and that I would never be able to stop stuffing myself.

The truth:

Well, after a good… geez.. I don’t know how many months(!) of eating regularly and keeping to the meal plans set out by my dietitian despite how tough it was to push myself to start on supplements when it was first put into my plan, I realise that I am able to regulate what I eat. Nowadays, I eat and I feel satisfied; happy. If I feel like having chocolate, I have chocolate. If I feel like ice-cream, I have it. But all in moderation of course. The road to where I am now sure wasn’t easy as pie, but having come to this point now has certainly reassured me that when I do finally meet my minimum weight requirement and be allowed to have my supplements taken off, I will be able to eat like I have been and not indulge beyond my daily dietary requirements.

Myth #2: Fear of looking… fat

When I was sick, ED would constantly tell me that I had gained weight immediately after eating something, anything, no matter how little. Then when I decided that I had to get better, it told me that I was going to look horrendously obese once I reached my healthy weight. It told me that I was different, that I was ’special’. ‘Special’ in the sense that while all the other girls I know who managed to reach healthy weight still look gorgeous and slim in my opinion, I was going to be the exception.

The truth:

I admit. There are days when I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. But I’ve learned to look away and blank my thoughts towards how I think I look. At the same time, there are days when I look in the mirror and cannot help but smile at myself and feel a strong sense of self-worth and self-love. I wear clothes that make me feel comfortable and I have thrown away ’sick’ clothes because I realise that keeping them would only mean that I expect to wear them again. Listening to the people I know love and care for me has helped me to be more objective. It’s tough to always believe them especially when I don’t see what they see, but acknowledging the fact that my eyes may be lying to me from time to time, I think, is essential in recovery.

And onto the second half of my eats!

Afternoon Snack: Luna Bar Nutz Over Chocolate

Ok now I can see why all you girlies are going Nutz over this bar! It had a nice distribution of peanut goodness and the glorious chocolate that coated this bar’s base was a sure mood-lifter! A simple bar but with the best combination of flavours to make for a happy Natti

Dinner: Kabocha, Shimeiji M'rooms, Double Baked Beans, Roasted eggplant with cumin and cayenne pepper, Sauerkraut leftovers on toast! The kabochaaaa.. Mmmmm..

Nightcap: A tub of Fage yoghurt with Cashew Butter and Dulce de Leche xP

On to ‘Myths & Truths’ Part 2:

Myth #3:  The need to be mentally ready before concentrating on recovering physically

I used to think that before I could allow myself to recover physically, I had to be mentally ready. I wanted everything to be ‘perfect’ within me. I wanted to make peace with myself on the inside first before concentrating on my physical body. I thought that that was the right way to go and I honestly believed that there would be an ‘ah ha’ moment before I could pull myself together and go all the way.

The Truth:

V told me in one of my sessions with her that the mental and physical MUST work in tandem. I never believed it until now. It is true what they say: Our psychological and emotional well-being hinges on how well nourished our physical bodies are. I realise that as my weight increases, my ability to think clearly, to rationalise, to see what’s real, what’s true, what’s logical, has also increased by leaps and bounds. I know that my ED self would totally be denying this fact, but being where I am right now, I realise how much truth was in what V had said. At the end of the day, I have been proven wrong time and again, and as much as ED would like to tell me otherwise, the professionals are usually right – At least, the ED team I work with have been right in all that they have said to me since Day 1.

Myth #4: Losing ED = Losing Myself

Many times as I tried to recover, I would reach a point and scurry back into ED’s arms because it kept telling me that if I were to recover, fully recovery, I would no longer have an identity. I would be a nobody. ED told me that it was better to be ‘anorexic’ than be ‘no one’. I guess my starved mind bought that argument. I was afraid that there was nothing more to me that the shell that ED had reduced me to. I feared that losing ED would mean that I would no longer be special.

The truth:

I now know how special I am not because of ED, but because of me, because of Natalie! I no longer want to be known as ‘that anorexic’. I would rather be known as ‘the girl who beat anorexia’ or even better- simply ‘Natalie’. Natalie – the girl who lives life for the love of it; the girl with a healthy glow; the girl with enjoys spreading laughter and cheer. I want to be known for the qualities that I hold within me and not outside of me. I want to be known as the girl who has a sparkle in her eyes and a tinkle in her laugh. I was telling V how much more of the old Natalie has returned. I have found myself wanting to interact with new people. I have found more reasons to smile. And ironically, despite what ED told me, I haven’t lost myself one bit. Rather, I have found myself. Or at least, I have found a lot more of myself and I know that I am only going to discover more of me in time to come!

Right now, I can’t think of any other irrational fears, if I may call them that, that I experienced at the start of recovery, although I’m sure there were more. If and when they come to me some other time, I’ll be sure to share them with you and see how true, or not, they are. So far, it looks as if I was maliciously lied to by ED, but the search for truth has been a wholly difficult, uphill one. That said, it has also been an incredibly journey that has opened my eyes and enabled me to discover so much about myself, about life, about family and friends.

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come”
-Anne Lamott

I guess my decision to share this also, is because I know that there are some of you who may be experiencing the fears that I used to experience. I understand that each journey is different, and each of us are different as individuals and may therefore not experience identical feelings as we reclaim our health. However, I just wanted to offer you hope in knowing that I have managed to trod down this path that you WILL be reaching in time. What lies ahead of me, I can’t quite say. But what I can tell you is that when you’ve reached the place I’m at right now, it’s really a lot more liberating and empowering than ED will have you believe. As I have mentioned a few times already, it is a journey laden with obstacles. Take heart though, because this journey is definitely possible!

Much love!
xx

 

.: A Day of Praise :.

Thanks for all your wonderful sharing! From what I gather, it looks like it’s really so much easier to point out the things we love about others, than it is to determine what we love about ourselves. Similarly, I find it so much more difficult to accept compliments than to dish them out.

Ever since I can remember, I have never been able to accept compliments graciously. I have tended to do the ‘typical’ Asian thing which is to totally deny myself of praise and then put myself down. I mean, to be humble is a supposed ‘Asian’ value that has been inculcated into the vast majority of us Oriental kiddies since young and adults always look at us approvingly when we say that we’re not as good as they say we are.

Anyway, this afternoon, I received not one, but two compliment from friends who last saw me a few kilos ago saying that I not only looked healthy, but great too!

My response?

*Awkward silence*

Then, I remembered a quote a friend of mine shared with me on facebook that said:

“A compliment is a gift to be accepted. It is not a bomb needing to be defused, nor a volleyball needing to be returned.”

SO after that 5 seconds flat of plastered smiles, I decided to simply say ‘Thank you’ and revel in the snuggliness of having been showered with such lovely words. And you know what? It felt good!

Now for a short intermission…

Breakfast: Fage Yoghurt with a packet of Oat Krunch Dark Chocolate Biscuits crushed. So good!

Morning Snack: Luna Bar Caramel Nut Brownie

I had this in between class so I couldn’t get a picture of the bar itself. This reminded me a little of the Luna Bar Cookies n’ Cream but without the ‘cream’. I enjoyed the intensity of the chocolate and it seriously reminded me of brownies, apart from the fact that it was texturally different. Caramel Nut Brownie probably ranks as one of my top 5 favourite Luna Bars at the moment!

Lunch: Crunch Time PB + Vanilla Heaven PB with Apricot Jam and Wheatgerm Sandwich! x)))) Made Nattie one mighty happy girlie!

Still on the topic of compliments…

While I feel that I can now accept comments based on healthiness and glowiness, I can’t seem to accept flattery on the basis of beauty.

Not to toot my own horn or anything but this afternoon again, Norv’s sweet girlfriend mentioned to him that she thought me very pretty, which Norv being Norv, just had to relay to me. Of course, I experienced a short high from it until the critical side of me said that she was probably just being nice.

Then this evening, I popped by dear Rachel’s blog and having bumped into her at Life where we were both having our appointments, she happened to mention that she thought I was “really pretty in person, on the petite side in height:)”. Firstly, thanks for the little jibe on my height. Lol. Hey! Good things come in small packages alright hun? x)

I guess I feel like I may be contradicting myself in the sense that I talk about how important it is to accept ourselves and that we are all beautiful in our own ways. But I suppose, as with most females, there is still that little part of me that yearns to fit somewhat into society’s notion of beauty in general, and when I happen to receive such praises, I tend to start going over the reasons as to why they can’t be true, rather than allow myself to feel good about it without second thoughts.

Well, that’s just going to be something I’m going to have to work on I suppose. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I know that the process of self-discovery and self-acceptance is an on-going process that I am still going through. =)

Now for intermission #2!

Afternoon Snack: KIND Fruit & Nut Delight

Honestly, you can never go wrong with a Fruit and Nut bar! This KIND bar could not disappoint with its array of nuts and dried fruit. This bar didn’t differ too much from the general fruit and nut bars produced by other companies, however, the quality of the ingredients are definitely up there! I actually ate this about 20 minutes prior to dinner because I didn’t expect to wait that long for my appointment and hadn’t taken my afternoon snack out with me to Uni.

Dinner: Japanese Sweet Potato with 2 Cumberland Sausages and Sauerkraut! I seem to be going through a 'need for tangyness' phase at the moment!

Nightcap: Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream

This was good. But not great. I totally savoured the creamy vanilla ice-cream and the chocolate chips added a little tinge of bitter-sweet inflections in each spoonful. However, the cookie dough wasn’t quite as dough-y as I was hoping. =( If it had been a chocolate chip vanilla ice-cream, it would have met the mark. Cookie dough? Maybe not…

Anyway, in other forms of praise… This time, I’m referring to praises to God…

I am so blessed today to have finally met Rachel. She is a stunning young woman (Yes! Stunning! Just accept it as fact girlie and don’t let yourself think otherwise!) and was a joy to talk to! I thought my wait to see the doctor would be relatively short but I ended up waiting a good 2 hours 15 min to see her for a mere 10 min. I hate it when that happens. So it was great to have had Rachel to chat with for the first like, 15 minutes of my wait. Lol. I think I just ended up rattling off a whole lot and the poor girl had to listen to me talk about random theme park rides and Uni life and exams and school work… =x I so need to work on thinking before I speak. Haha. My gob seems to have a mind of its own half the time! But it was great and I totally appreciated the hug Rachel bestowed upon me just before she left to see the doc.

Anyway, after sitting for so long, I swear my butt ended up taking the shape of the seat! Turns out the doctor I was supposed to see had a presentation to present just before it was my turn to see her, hence the ‘wait of eternity’! I got weighed and I just about hit optimal weight gain once again so I really should be able to reach my minimum healthy weight before Christmas! I think that would be Mum and Dad’s best Christmas present! Of course, part of me is a little fearful and apprehensive, but the other part is eager to finally attain that goal because it means freedom from supplements and the start of life as it should be!

“Insults should be written in sand, compliments should be carved in stone.”
- Arab Proverb

Let’s start carving compliments in stone. Just as we accept gifts with a sincere smile and a heartfelt ‘Thank you’, I suppose the we should receive praises in the same way. Afterall, compliments are like little surprises presented to us when we least expect it. Perhaps we should all think of something nice someone has said to us recently, and use that as a way of self-affirmation.

For example, I could say:
“I AM not just pretty, I AM very pretty and it MUST be true because the people who said it had nothing to gain from saying those beautiful words.”

Compliments – You may not think you deserve it; you may not think it’s true, but think about it: Why would someone pay you a compliment in the first place? And then think somemore: When you compliment someone, do you do it for the sake of it or because you truly mean what you say? I reckon it’s more of the latter. And with that in mind, chances are, the person who praised you simply did it because he or she meant  it!

Now, share with me a compliment said to you that made you feel wonderful, even if only for a moment. Then, I want YOU to believe it! =)

With lots of love and kisses!!

Nat
xx

.: 5 things :.

Hey huns!

So I was reflecting on my life as has been in recent days and while I am happy on the most part, I started thinking about how important it is for me to embrace myself wholly in all aspects. For starters, I began to question how much I love myself and what it is I love about me. To be honest, I was stumped. I couldn’t think of anything I really felt made me special, or set me apart as an individual. But I was determined to end this Tuesday with at least 5 things I do love about myself. But before I indulge in a post about self-lovin’, here’s a quick peek into today’s eats!

Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs with Asparagus and Brie Cheese!!

Morning Snack: Springhill Gluten-Free Delight

This was quite like a fruit cake but I didn’t quite take to its slightly grainy texture. While it wasn’t too sweet, I definitely prefer the other Springhill bars over this one!

Lunch: Carrots, Borlotti Beans and Asparagus Salad with a Purple Sweet Potato!

Afternoon Snack: Kind Almond & Apricot Bar

This KIND bar was similar to the Almond & Coconut Bar with the presence of dried coconut. The whole almonds were amazing and the apricots were quite subtle and not too sweet in flavour. Yum!!

Dinner: Amy's Veggie Loaf with Mashed Potatoes and Peas & Corn

Nightcap: Fage yoghurt with Dark Chocolate PB, Wheatgerm and a Crunchie bar!

Crunchie bars used to be one of my favourites but after having it today after yonks, I found this to be rather sweet. I don’t know, it just didn’t taste like it used to. Or maybe my taste has changed. Nevertheless, it was a nice way of rounding up my Tuesday, especially with the lovely taste of Dark Chocolate PB lingering on my tastebuds!!

Now, on to the 5 things I love about ME!:

For one, I love the dimple on my right cheek. Apparently, dimples are birth defects but it certainly goes to show that even little ‘abnormalities’ can be endearing. I only have one dimple though, although I think people who have dimples on both sides look absolutely adorable! Still, I like that my dimple appears when I smile, thereby sharing my happiness with all those around me.

Another thing I love about myself are my eyes. They aren’t big, they aren’t blue, but they allow me to enjoy all the beauty in this world. They say that the eyes are the window to one’s soul and I never truly believed it until I saw how dead my eyes looked in pictures of me when I was pretty much a ‘living dead’. It really woke me up and made me realise that the healthy sparkle that I saw in old pictures of me had disappeared as I sunk deeper into the illness. Today, I noticed the life behind my eyes once more and it made me smile. =)

By the way…

Mikey gave me this award today (Thanks dearie!!) which I shall graciously accept and share with ALL of you because I wouldn’t be where I am without all your support. x)
By the way Mikey, if you read this, I can’t seem to leave a comment on your blog! =( But I’ll try again tomorrow. *hugs*

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey
1. Where is your cell phone? Bag
2. Your hair? Messy
3. Your mother? Love
4. Your father? Love
5. Your favorite food? PUMPKIN!
6. Your dream last night? ZZZZZ
7. Your favorite drink? Water
8. Your dream/goal? Happiness
9. What room are you in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Shopping x)
11. Your fear? Loneliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? Bed
14. Something that you aren’t? Alone
15. Muffins? Chocolate
16. Wish list item? Lots
17. Where did you grow up? Everywhere
18. Last thing you did? TV
19. What are you wearing? Pyjamas
20. Your TV? Panasonic
21. Your pets? Hamsters
22. Friends? Some
23. Your life? Improving
24. Your mood? Great
25. Missing someone? Perhaps
26. Vehicle? Car
27. Something you’re not wearing? Contacts
28. Your favorite store? Marketplace (and River Island)
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Hmm..
32. Your best friend? Busy =(
33. One place that I go to over and over? Uni
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? Lots
35. Favorite place to eat? Home

I tried to stick to the ‘one word’ rule as much as possible but I couldn’t help it with No. 28.

Anyway, I’m passing this on to 6 inspiring lovies: Neela, Tatianna, Amy, Jessica, Julia and Rebecca. There are so many of you who deserve this award and I had to seriously squeeze dry what remaining brain juice I had left in my head in order to decide who to give this award to.

Ok, back to me! Lol.

I love that I can be given a topic and go into a long-winded monologue about it. I guess the pompous, self-centred part of me enjoys listening to myself speak. I have always been quite the chatterbox although I realise that my thoughts don’t get processed too well under stress or when I feel pressured to speak. Under those circumstances, I tend to spurt a whole lot of nonsense that even I don’t understand! But yes, I do love the fact that I have the ability to express myself with words.

Fourthly, I love being petite. I am 1.54m tall which translates to being just under 5″ 1. I used to ‘cheat’ whenever we had our heights taken in school to make myself taller, but after being measured 3 times in hospital using 3 different height measuring tools (what are they called? o.O), I had to accept the OBJECTIVE measurements as my doctor would call it. Haha. There are perks to being small in stature though… Like being able to ‘act’ cute in order to get my way since I look a lot younger than my age. And most Asian guys aren’t very tall to begin with so being short means that I get to pick from a larger pool of guys! x)

Finally, and of course, this list is not exhaustive even though it has been exhausted as of right now, I love my legs. Well, I’m trying to as much as possible. My legs are something I grapple with because I’ve always thought them as chunky and flabby. When I was at my lowest, I still saw them as too big. BUT. I have to say that I love my legs because they carry me everywhere. How can I not love them when they enable me to walk, run, rollarblade, swim…?! I would be lost without them and what’s more, I would lose a lot of my independence without them. So you know what? Everyday, I am going to have to remind myself of the amazing service my legs have been providing me since the day I learned to crawl. I bet there are so many people who do not have their lower limbs, and may be wishing every single day to have a pair of legs that work, regardless of shape or size. So I should be grateful that God blessed me with a great pair that I am going to keep strong so that they will last me for the rest of my life!

“Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults.”
Les Brown

Now tell me, what do you love about yourself? You don’t have to list down 5 things – just one will do, but be sure to expand on that list as the days go by! I’ll be working on my list too! x)

xx

.: No Shame :.

Good evening girlies!!

Today, I’m going to be breaking up my rather boring post into more digestible portions by slipping in pictures of my day’s eats in between paragraphs. Lol. So don’t be surprised when a picture pops up abruptly! x)

Breakfast: Stonyfield Strawberry Yoghurt with Wheatgerm and Blueberries. Nomnomnom...

Always start your day with a smile!!

It’s been a rather boring Monday for me and well, I gave lecture a miss again. It seems to be happening every Monday now which isn’t too good. =S And guess what? You’ve just about made it through an entire semester with me! Most of the lectures for my modules end this week and that means that my exams are commencing in less than a month – end of this month to be exact… AND I am in no way prepared! I also have a term paper due in exactly a week’s time that I have yet to start on proper. Thankfully, it’s also my last term paper so hopefully, I should be able to get it done by Monday.

Studies aside…

Morning Snack: REAL Fruit & Nut Yoghurt Bar - The last REAL bar in my cupboard. lol

Mum and Dad met up with Aunty Mui and Uncle Ray this afternoon after ages! Mum shared with me upon coming home that their daughter, who is the same age as I am and was my best friend when we were all living in Hong Kong together, was recently diagnosed with bipolar. When Aunty Mui started sharing with Mum, she was a little apprehensive, but Mum told me that she assured Aunty Mui that she had nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s true.

Chicken Cutlet and Zucchini with Salsa Sandwich.

I don’t think issues like eating disorders, depression, bipolar disorders… should be something to be ashamed of. I know that even when I looked like death, Mum and Dad were never ashamed of me and never tried to hide me away from friends or family. BUT. I also know that not all parents are like that. The thing is, psychological disorders are an issue. However, that does not make us any less human. In fact, it makes us more so. They serve as reminders that we are not perfect and we never will be. And yet, we are still loved – love by God, by family, by friends, by ME!!!

Afternoon Snack: Milkybar Milk & Cookies

This was much like Hershey’s Cookies & Cream bar but the chocolate wasn’t as melty. =( Still, my happiness level went up uP UP after eating this!!!

I thought about it way back and decided to be as open as possible about my eating disorder because I think that the more it is covered up, the more opportunity for others to see it as something to be ashamed of. In truth, EDs tend to be a coping mechanism that happens to be self-destructive. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with stress and negative emotions, mine just happened to be the ‘wrong’ solution. Hence, I am learning now that there are better, more constructive ways of coping with sadness, frustration, anger…

Dinner: Kabocha, Roasted Asparagus, Leafy Veg, Borlotti Beans, Toast and Cottage Cheese-Salsa

I just want all of you to know that there is no shame in what we have gone or are going through. The tough thing about EDs is that there is no pill that can be popped into our mouths that will suddenly make us better psychologically, physically or emotionally. To be able to go through the process of recovery will be a true testament to our strength, will and determination. In fact, it appears to be the case that the more I share, the more I realise that I am not alone in this.

Living in an Asian society, there is a tendency for families to want to cover up in order not to ‘throw their faces’ (face embarrassment). As a result, when they face struggles as a family, they tend to try and keep everything under wraps and pretend that everything is perfect. It is an artificial front that I loathe, but one that I can understand as well. That said, I appreciate the fact that Mum and Dad are so supportive of me and refuse to be bothered by what people have said about me. At the end of the day, they are merely that – people. I care more about the people who care about me and if they are unashamed to know me, love me, and care for me, then why should I be ashamed of myself? Afterall, I am working towards recovery and I think that that is the best gift I can give all those who have been my pillars of strength.

Nightcap: Chocolate Pudding with Melted Reese's PB Cup and Raisins Oats & More Cereal

“Each of us comes into the world separately, one by one. This is not an accident. I think it’s the Lord’s way of reminding us of the infinite worth of each soul.”
Dwan J. Young

I saw this quote, read it, and fell in love with it. We have each been customised to God’s specifications when He designed us. We don’t come from the same cookie-cutter and that’s exactly why we are so unique and so beautiful. Yes, we may have fallen into a trap, but we have a choice – to claw our way out and fight tooth and nail to banish the monster, disguised as a friend, from our lives, or stay in that hole, blind to the wonders of the world. I’ve made my decision. And I hope that when I can proudly declare that ED has taken leave of me permanently, I will be able to do my utmost best in trying to educate more Singaporeans on what EDs are about; to try and make a difference in at least one life. Just one.

It looks like the ED monster decided not to visit me today (YAY!) but the ZzzzzZzz monster has arrived instead! Hehe. I think my post today’s quite muddled. Sorry about that! I tend to write about whatever pops into my head and sometimes, it results in an incoherent jumble of words. x) I’d better hit the sack and start conserving energy for my hectic 6 hours of lessons straight school day tomorrow!!

With an infinity of love,
xx

.: Spare Parts :.

Mum and I just got back from our yoga class and one thing our yoga master said that totally struck a chord in me is that ‘we have no spare parts’. To allow our bodies to crumble before our very eyes is irreversible. We only have one heart, one stomach, one liver, ok, maybe two kidneys, but the point is, we have to take care of what we have right now and safeguard our bodies because if one part were to break down, we will fail to function normally and science and technology will be our lifeline. The thing is, God never meant for us to be dependent on medicine, He meant for us to cherish our physical selves, in addition to our mental and emotional selves, because every single component that makes us who we are in this world, serves a function.

Read this – something Daddy Tan shared with the family a few years back:

When the body was first made, all the different parts wanted to be boss.

The brain said, “since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss.”

The feet said, “since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss.”

The hands said, “since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss.”

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don’t have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.

So that was a little joke to lighten your day up a little. My point is though, every single component of our bodies has to work together – from what appears to be most important, to what looks to be seemingly insignificant. At the end of the day, we need our eyes, our nose, our ears, our arms, legs, heart, lungs, livers, stomachs… and yes, even our assholes, to live fully.

I did some thinking this afternoon – yes, I seem to do a lot of thinking x) and I’ve decided that while I will still post pictures of my eats up, I will no longer be really going into depth about them unless I feel that they warrant a review, especially BAR(!!) reviews or when I eat out. I realise that I have reached a point where my thoughts no longer centre around food. Instead, the main purpose for putting pictures up will be to remain accountable for what I eat and keep ED from trying to trip me up on the basis that ‘no one’s watching’ anymore.

So starting with today…

Breakfast: Apple Sauce with Alpen Cereal x)

Morning Snack: KIND Mange Macadamia

This KIND Mango Macadamia bar was amazing! The smell of sweet mangoes hit me as soon as I ripped open the wrapper. Who would have thought that mangoes and macadamias would go together like peanut butter and jam?! Or strawberries and cream?! Or cheese and crackers?! Or gin and tonic?! You get the idea! Hehe.. Genius!! Totally genius! The mangoes tasted of the tropics – and that’s coming from someone who LIVES on a tropical country, island, city, state! And the macadamias had a hint of smokiness that tasted so good with its trademark buttery flavour.

Lunch: Baked Tofu with Eggplant Sandwich with Beetroot Spread

Afternoon Snack: Luna Bar S'mores

Luna bar S’mores had a smooth chocolate coating round its base with a hint of marshmallow that lingered on my tastebuds. This bar didn’t have much complexity in its flavours but it was so satisfyingly good!

Dinner: Borlotti Beans, Blueberries and Chicken Pieces with Homemade Croutons and Tzatziki

Dinner was light because of yoga. We’re advised not to eat a good 2 hours beforehand but since I have to, I decided to go light and have a slightly heavier nightcap!

Nightcap: A tub of Fage with Vanilla Heaven PB, Blueberries and Manuka Honey... SO GOOD!

I guess I’d like my blog to start evolving together with me and move into other realms of life apart from ED. I have long decided that once I have left ED behind me, I would like to carry on blogging in hopes that other recoverees or ED sufferers may draw strength from the knowledge that there IS life after ED. That’s not to say that it will be all sunflowers and butterflies here. I am prepared for days when ED comes a-knocking just to let me know that it may be lurking in the recesses of my mind, especially on down days, but I know that what matters then will be how I deal with it.

To be honest, I saw a picture of myself this afternoon that made me feel almost attracted to the ganglyness of the old, sick me. I felt this compulsion to want to return to that bodily state. As usual though, it looks like the big Man upstairs was watching over me because I’m sure that what our yoga master said about spare parts, was engineered by Him in order to remind me of how precious this gift of life that God has blessed me with is.

“Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”
-Jim Rohn

Just like how most of us take meticulous care of our homes in order to keep it spic and span, warm and welcoming, cosy and happy, all the more so we should do the same for the homes in which our souls reside! Right? =)

Let’s start this week on a high and remember to do something nice for yourself at least once in the next 7 days. It can be a simple smile, or you can pay yourself one or more compliments each morning; you can do your hair, go for a relaxing massage, or go for a mani/pedi! Pamper yourself and keep in mind that YOU DESERVE IT!

Stay strong girlies!!
Many loves and flying kisses!
xx