.: Rock Bottom :.

Note: This post is very much based on my struggles the past three days and is pretty negative – though not so much triggering… I think. So just a word of warning because I don’t want this to affect any of you.

The retail therapy and quality time with Pea this afternoon didn’t materialise in the end…

I woke up today feeling a tad bit better but still found the two ends of my lips struggling against gravity – they just refused to give me a smile. Still, I looked forward to meeting Pea but things took a huge downer during morning snack when Mum came up to me and asked, “Aren’t you supposed to be taking your Ensure for snack and not these oats?”

I guess still being somewhat down in the dumps, I felt as if she had accused me of trying to skip on my supplement even though every single morning for the past few months, I have without fail taken a packet of Ensure Plus with breakfast and have never had it to supplement a snack. I felt maligned and then…

Well, my mood just plummeted all the way down… down… down…

I feel like I have left the lion’s den and have walked straight into the lion’s mouth the last few days. Depressed? Maybe I am. My mood has been insanely dark and I keep questioning what my purpose is here on Earth. I keep thinking if all I bring is sadness and hurt to my family, if I am unable to even be an average friend, let alone a good one, then I must be the most worthless thing ever.

I have never cried for 3 hours straight in my life until today. I cried until my eyes dried out, and even then, my heart kept crying. I felt angry for being wrongly accused even though I know that Mum was asking out of concern since she knows that I have been finding the going tough recently. I felt frustrated that I was looking forward to going out in order to try and feel better but in the end, I was in such a terrible state that I just couldn’t. And all the while, I had this voice chiding me for being ‘fat’, ‘useless’, ‘worthless’.

I have no idea why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I wonder if I am looking too hard for that silver lining that it has come to evade me. But if I stop looking, will it suddenly appear?

Sometimes, I feel so stupid for letting these seemingly small things affect me. Mum asking about the Ensure on any other day would probably have been met by a much more sensible response but today… today I totally flipped and became so overcome with emotion. It felt as if so much sadness was being poured out – sadness that I never knew I had the capacity to bottle up.

I am feeling ‘haunted’ by ED and recently, it has taken to making me feel the shizz for even daring to step into the supermarket to stock up on groceries with Mum. Yes, I am doing all that is in my power to not succumb to it. But the difference between being ‘bullied’ by people is that there is the option of walking away. With ED, it follows me wherever I go. I guess this partly has to do with the overwhelming negativity I have been feeling since Sunday and it’s weird how it is so easy to get pulled down emotionally, and to turn things around and be full of optimism once more seems to be an uphill climb.

It almost feels as if ‘torturing’ myself is the only way I can justify all the good things I have been blessed with in my lifetime so far. I don’t know… Sometimes I feel so bad to have been blessed with such a wonderful family, such a warm, beautiful home, such supportive friends… And I feel like I don’t deserve any of it because I don’t think I’m that great a person…

I’m so sorry that this post is full of such negativity. I just needed an outlet to get everything out. I spoke a little with Mum when we went for our evening walk just now but I feel more able to express myself better, more openly here. At times, I get so overwhelmed with a million and one thoughts that when I talk it out, it gets incredibly confusing. Here, I just type and let the words flow through my fingers.

I feel better now.

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”
-Anne Lamott

Regardless of what I have gone through the last few days, I still believe that there is hope and that this fight is worth it.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.“
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

No. I’ve not given up. And I am not going to give up. It has become increasingly tough most definitely, but I am going to get through it and come out stronger. And as Mum said, it’s all in my mind whether I want to let myself be swayed by ED’s uncanny knack of feeding me with fictional stories, or stay focused on my need to give myself this final push in order to oust ED out. The answer is clear. I just need to summon up the courage to ignore the lies and be confident in myself and my ability to be who I am without being defined by this shizz-stirrer.

Again, I have to thank you all for your encouraging words. I know that without all your support, I wouldn’t have been able to face today as well as I did. Things could definitely have been worse. But they weren’t. And even though I haven’t had much appetite the last few days, I have been able to press on, with much help from Mum of course, and follow my meal plan.

On a more positive note…

Grandpa and Grandma just flew in this afternoon so it’ll be nice spending some time with them. And Dad’s back on Thursday! I can’t wait. Home’s not quite the same without Dad and his silly antics around. =)

Anyway, as Dad always says, once you’re at the bottom, the only way to go is up. And up is where I will be going!

Good night my dear rays of sunshine!
xx

.: I am feeling… :.

Sad.

Confused.

Frustrated.

.

.

.

Depressed?

But every cloud has a silver lining and I know I have to weather this storm. God will see me through this. I just need some time to regroup and reflect as I have done intermittently through this recovery process. Hopefully a little retail therapy with my bestie tomorrow will do me some good. =)

xx

.: Triple T K A :.

Today’s been a pretty mentally challenging day. I’m finding this last lap incredibly tough and so, so tiring – at least today I am. It’s quite baffling how one day I can feel on top of the world and the next – Splat!

The whole ‘trick’ to getting past ED is to know logically what I have to do and act on that. Yet, behaviour and attitude do not always go hand in hand. As much as I am keeping to my meal plans, there is apprehension within me about reaching my healthy weight. There is fear that I will overshoot and never stop. I know how irrational it is but I can’t help but feel this way. A part of me feels so inclined to run back to the world of fantasy and escapism. However, this is a reality I have to face because to spiral back down is definitely not an ideal I want to live with.

In a way, it feels increasingly like what Claire has shared with me about it being darkest before dawn. It seems like the sun is about to rise but before it does, I have to endure the blackest, scariest path in order to reclaim my health fully. ED is screaming, squirming, writhing with discomfort at losing its control over me and while its childish tantrums do get overwhelming at times, I know that I cannot give in. To be honest, ED’s been hollering at me over how I look wayyyy bigger than I was pre-ED but I know once again that it can’t be true.

This fight is getting tiresome. Sometimes, I want to stop and take a breather. Sometimes giving in seems like a much easier option. But no. The only solution is facing up to the objective facts that tell me that it ain’t over until the ED team tell me it’s over. If I managed to allow myself to fall in the pits of ED in the first place, I most certainly can get myself out of it and stay out of it.

So now, it’s…

Triple T K A – Time To Totally Kick Ass! (I got that from White Chicks which I just finished watching since there wasn’t much else on tv. Lol)

“The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.”

I feel like that little nut right now… But I’m sure with perseverance and support from God, from my family, from my friends, from you sweeties, I will be able to stand firm and grow big and strong. In a way, I guess you can say that while I feel like my body is far too big for me, it isn’t entirely true. What it probably is, is that I feel small on the inside and I need to start loving myself wholeheartedly – to love every part of me from the ins to the outs, in order to grow spiritually and emotionally, before I can ‘wear’ my body and feel awesome and self-assured. I mean, I am starting to feel more comfortable with myself but there are days when I don’t – today being one of those days I suppose. That said, I’m sure tomorrow will be a better, brighter day. Afterall, it’s Sunday and Sunday isn’t called Sun-day for no reason now right? =)

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
- Psalm 27:1

xx

.: D-Day & PB Highs :.

I meant to blog last night but my brother, over the course of the week, has managed to slowly take over my laptop and as I type, my lappie’s sitting in his room lounging away while I use Mum’s and Dad’s computer. Anyway, yesterday was D-day but hold your horsies! I don’t mean D-day like that. D-day yesterday refers to appointments with my Doctor and Dietitian. Well, June wasn’t in so it was Soo instead who I like as well but because she’s not my usual dietitian, it makes the visit a little… irrelevant? In the sense that she tends not to tweak my meal plans too much or anything, or make too many suggestions.

I ended up chatting a bit with Soo over the stress I’ve been feeling over the exams and the feelings of insecurity with regards to my body becoming more acute due to the heightened pressure, but those feelings have since been lessened with the start of my holidays! My weight, though a tad bit closer to my healthy weight didn’t  increase optimally but Soo just asked me to continue to stick to the plan June had suggested to me and hopefully, when I see June in 2 weeks time, I would have gained substantially and be a hair’s breath away from my BMI 18.5, although I know that they may not necessarily let me stop there… but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Then it was my appointment with Dr. Lee and thank goodness I only had to wait about a half hour for her since I had one of the earliest appointments!! When I walked in, she had already received the updates from Soo but she asked me how the session went anyway and I told her that I hadn’t gained optimally. I expected her to ask me the same thing she usually does when I lose or maintain weight – ‘So how Nat? How?’ but surprisingly, she went ‘Well, at least you moved in the right direction!’ That totally put a smile on my face because she is right, whatever the case, as long as I continue to move up and away from the shadows of ED, I am headed the right way. Slow and steady wins the race! Well, not too slow though. x) I know I always gush about Dr. Lee after each visit and again, I can’t help but declare my love for this wonderful wonderful woman, to whom I more or less owe my life to!

Time for a hair trim??

I went with Kor yesterday afternoon into town as well to get our hair done by Steve. I’m letting my hair grow out so I merely wanted a trim because my hair’s been wreaking all sorts of messiness now that it’s become pretty thick again. I think Steve went a little snip-happy because now I think I look like a mushroom! =(

Ah well… At least this time next week, my hair would have grown out a little so it should look better! I hope. I’ll post a picture up of my shorter hair soon… if I think it’s passable! Lol.

On to the topic of Peanut Butters!!!

I’ve polished off all 3 jars of my PB & Co Peanut Butters now which has left a void in the section of my heart labelled ‘Nut Butters’. I just found out from a few little birdies that PB & Co Peanut Butters are now being sold in Brown Rice Paradise which is super cool. However, I have had to abstain from going there just yet because I have more bottles of butters waiting for me to dig into.

So I decided to try PB Loco’s Peanut Butter with Caramel Apple. I’ve been having it every day since I opened the jar! It goes well on toast, on fruit, not so much in yoghurt, but was uber yum drizzled on top of my cereal!

Upon opening, this PB had a really fluid consistency and the oil had kind of separated a little. So I stirred it in which made it every more watery looking and chucked it into the fridge, making it so much easier to handle! This PB isn’t that strong in terms of its PB flavour, and I wouldn’t mark it as my favourite. In fact, I’m craving PB & Co’s Dark Choc PB right now =(… but let’s not digress. Hehe. The Caramel Apple PB starts off more nutty before giving way to a more fruity flavour. Sadly, the taste of apples leans towards the artificial side which is a bit of a disappointment. Hopefully PB Loco’s Jungle Banana and Sumatran Raisin & Cinnamon PBs fare better!

I also started on Naturally Nutty’s Butter Toffee PB. OMG! This was pure deliciousness! It’s a little gritty but I put that down to the toffee bits. This butter isn’t too sweet either contrary to how it may sound and it was beautiful spread on top of a toasted prune roll I had yesterday, and on toast. I’m trying to refrain from eating it straight out of the bottle because I know I would be so at a loss the day this jar of PB gets emptied out. Gotta make it last as long as possible! Hehe. At least until I find someone to bring more back from the US for me. =x

The weekend is here again and I am loving lazy days. I’m planning for more shopping (I think…) next week, and more meetings with friends and I have an old class gathering to attend next week! Exciting because I haven’t seen some of my ex-classmates since we left school like, 6 years ago!

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

I still that there are days where I get upset over the uncomfortable feelings I have towards my body. There are times where I seek perfection through my physical appearance and have this urge to restrict all over again. But these are thoughts that come and go, and I realise that as much as I acknowledge that they are present, it does not mean I have to act on them. In fact, these thoughts tend to be passing ones that come like a breeze – I feel those feelings but I don’t allow myself to get swept away by them anymore, and before I know it, they disappear. I guess finding peace within oneself is always a struggle even for people who are not fighting illnesses. However, I am glad that there are at least days, increasingly more days in fact, where I feel better about myself.

Anywayyyy…

Enough about me!

How are all of you spending your days leading up to Christmas? And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, what plans do you have this holiday?

For me, apart from what I mentioned above (that is, revamping my wardrobe and meeting up with friends), I will be spring (winter?) cleaning my room and putting up our Christmas Tree!! We’re a little late putting it up this year but better late than never! And hopefully, we’ll be able to have a little getaway somewhere close by just to have a relaxative!

Toodles for now my dearies! I hope you find that pretty butterfly landing on your shoulder when you least expect it!

xx

.: What Matters :.

This afternoon, I finally got round to visiting Assisi Hospice after months of being MIA due to Uni commitments. The last time I stepped onto their grounds, I looked like a gangly scarecrow and was there for self-centred reasons – namely, to find a reason to smile in the depths of my depression. Today, I went there because I wanted to although a part of me was fearful…

You see, when I was sick, I lost the ability to love and that extended towards the children at Assisi – the same children who had stolen my heart from the very first minute I set my eyes on them all those years ago with their zest to fight their illnesses and still remain optimistic and bright. Hence, my slight reluctance to visit the Hospice today was out of fear that that love remained lost. As usual though, I needn’t have worried because the moment I walked into the Day Centre, my heart automatically opened up and oodles of love spilled out.

Anyway, it so happened to be little HJ’s 6th Birthday and his mother popped by with his older sister and younger brother. What heartened me most was to see the love that came from his family that was so clear to everyone. His Mum made all the effort to buy a little present for all the other children at the centre, as well as carnations for the volunteers. She brought in a lovely cake, and mini toblerones, jelly cups and fruit gummies for all HJ’s friends, and his 8-year-old sister was there making balloon swords and balloon bears much to their delight.

Dear HJ, in all honesty, isn’t the best looking little boy around right now because of bloating from his medication and chemo treatments. Yet, the  spark that comes from within makes it impossible to not love him. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw him refusing to entertain the camera as we all gathered around him to sing ‘Happy Birthday’. And then, I melted when he turned spontaneously to give him Mum a kiss on the cheek. I could see HJ’s 2-year-old brother looking at him with adoration and it made me see that his family do not care at all about how he looks right now physically. They love him because he is a beautiful boy with an indomitable spirit and the will to make the best of what he has in life.

I learned from this afternoon that what matters most are family and friends. We don’t need society to tell us how worthy we are. We do not need their approval over how we should look or feel about ourselves. We do not need them to determine who we are as people. The more I think about it, the clearer it is that society doesn’t give two hoots over how thin or fat we are. I know it sounds a little harsh but that’s the truth. Our families love us in spite of all our flaws. In fact, our idiosyncrasies are exactly what makes them love us more because that’s what makes us who we are; our imperfections make us distinct, unique and special.

We don’t have to prove ourselves to anyone, because those who matter, already know how talented, strong, and beautiful we are. We just need to learn to accept that.

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life’s challenges vigorously. Don’t numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”
- J. Donald Walters

xx

.: Flipside :.

Reading all your comments on my last post totally made me blush the entire day – so much so that I hardly needed any make up before walking out of the house! Thank you sweeties! You made my day – as always!

Honestly. I have never felt so over the moon as I have since yesterday and I am actually starting to get around the idea that I am indeed getting much healthier. And gladly, I will have to concede to the professionals that what they said to me right from the beginning of recovery is true; that once I am just on the cusp of recovery and once I am fully recovered, I will feel free and whole and right.

Just a while back, I mentioned that I was feeling so much happier and more optimistic towards full recovery. Never would I have thought at that time that the joy I was experiencing then could be further intensified… but it has! Now now, I’m not saying that the path I have walked thus far is fine and dandy, nor am I saying that I don’t feel uncomfortable at times about my body evolving. BUT. Think about the saying ‘No pain no gain’.

Sometimes we just have to keep trudging on no matter how thorny the road is, no matter how many times we fall and scrape our knees, no matter how tired and heavy-laden we feel. We have to keep our goal in sight and remember that when we reach it, it will be so SO worthwhile. Only then, can we put our feet up, heave a sigh of relief, relax and wallow in the lusciousness of good health and life. And don’t forget to thank the dear Lord for His unwavering support because no matter where we are in recovery, He feels our pain and yet, waits patiently for us to acknowledge His presence so that He can help us!

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.

Mother Teresa
Catholic Nun, Missionary

Mother Teresa’s wise words have encapsulated my sentiments exactly. Life is too precious to destroy; life is life and we have to fight for it. We cannot take it for granted and we cannot keep procrastinating and saying that positive change will start tomorrow. There is no tomorrow. There is only today. ED enjoys robbing away the meaning of life by feeding us with lies that there is nothing in life to look forward to, by telling us that life is too much of a challenge to face. It leads us into a world of escapism and sucks away our happiness, our hopes, our ambitions, our dreams, our friends, our family, our life. The more time we give it, the more it will manipulate our thoughts and lay claim to what does not rightfully belong to it.

You know? There were points in my recovery where I used to think that I hadn’t had ED long enough to be deserving of recovery. I had this warped idea that I had to be sick a little longer and then a little more longer before I should be allowed to get better. I haven’t a clue why I thought that and on hindsight, it was pretty ridiculous of me to let ED prance around and inject irrational thoughts into my head. But at the same time, I also know that the lack of nourishment then also acted as ED’s sidekick in keeping me down. I now realise that it doesn’t matter how long or short one has had an eating disorder. What matters is that there is a determination to fight it and we must never lose sight of what life entails. No one deserves to live a life of ED for even a moment, let alone years. Whatever the case, the time is now.

I promise you, the battle may be scary and dark at times, but when the light finally breaks through, it will be worth it. It will all be worth it!

xx

P.S. I never thought I could fall in love with the blogging world but I have. All of you have become a part of my life and I can’t help but feel like the luckiest girl on Earth right now. *hugs*

.: Shiok! :.

SHIOK
Originally a Malay exclamation, but now a universal Singaporean expression denoting extreme pleasure or the highest quality.

I am feeling shiok right now!! And I have been since this afternoon. Truth be told, I should have been spending today hugging my books and cramming my brain with last-minute information for my last exam tomorrow but… I tend to lose steam towards to end of exam period so this pattern of switching on to ‘Holiday’ mode is so me!

So what’s got me in high spirits you must be wondering…

Well, I was planning to get my hair done this afternoon but my favourite hair stylist Steve is out of the country at the moment so I will probably see him on Friday instead. Nevertheless, I still dragged Kor into town - Ion Orchard to be exact, with me because I had to run a small errand, afterwhich, the ’shopping’ itch just would not for the life of me go away. So I had to soothe it with a round of shopping. In fact, my wallet’s now lying in my room heaving a sigh of relief that I managed not to empty it out totally.

This high I am feeling isn’t so much due to the round of shopping. Rather, I am over the moon because finally, I am able to fit much better into clothes. I think I now look like I wear my clothes rather than have them wear me and it feels G-O-O-D GOOD!!

I tend to do most of my shopping at River Island – which my trusty legs automatically walked me to. And I walked out with a feather-weight of a wallet and a heavy bag of purchases:

A pair of  high-waisted shorts

An uber cute high-waisted skirt

Pardon my camera blocking the front. Hehe. And pardon my laziness - I couldn't be bothered to remove my white top. x)

And my ultimate favourite buy of the day: A Satin Playsuit!

Thereafter, poor Kor had to accompany me around Ion as I proceeded to pop into just about every shop on level B2 – from Bershka to Mango, Zara to Topshop, as I went hunting for some casual, basic tops. Finally, we hopped over to Wisma where I settled on 5 tops from Cotton On - 2 Spaghettis, 2 Wifebeaters and one of those ‘Swimsuit’ like tops. The Spags and Wifebeaters were going at 2 for $20 so I couldn’t resist! =X

Anyway, despite thinking that I would get an earful from ED for being able to fit into ‘normal’ clothes, the elation I gathered far exceeded any attempts from ED to ruin my day! To be honest, there was an irrational part of me that kept telling me that I was going to have to wear jumbo sizes but as usual, today proved me wrong and showed me how awful ED can be when it wants to pull me down. Surprisingly, the clothes that I bought while fitting me much better than before, can probably still accommodate me when I so reach my healthy BMI because they still have a bit more space for me to grow into. Just a bit. And when I am at my healthy weight, I think they will be perfect!

To be able to wear ‘real’ clothes now has shown me that recovery is a beautiful thing and I know that after the past few days of feeling a little emotionally down, God chose today to reveal to me that there is reason to continue fighting. I don’t want to have to shop at the kiddies section anymore, or have to look at gorgeous clothes that fall off of me. I am loving the feeling of having hips to hold my skirts or shorts up, of having (developing) curves for my clothes to hug.

Do you remember the thrill of being able to hug your Mum or/and Dad and have your fingers touch for the very first time? And then realising that you had ‘grown up’ and would never be able to return to having your arms be too short to go full circle around their waists? That level of ecstasy is exactly how I feel today. Similarly, I know that I can never go back to the days when everything looked so sad on me. It’s a little nostalgic… but I know it means that I am growing as a person as well, and that I am becoming the person God has always planned for me since the beginning of time.

“People who do not love themselves can adore others, because adoration is making someone else big and ourselves small. They can desire others, because desire comes out of a sense of inner completeness, which demands to be filled. But they can not love others, because love is an affirmation of the living growing being in all of us. If you don’t have it, you can’t give it.“
- Andrew Matthews

I hope your week started off as brightly and wonderfully as mine did. And if it didn’t, then – as I always say – it can only get better!

xx

.: The Power of Three :.

When I was studying English Literature/Language for my A levels, I used to love the concept of The Power of Three to create emphasis and I tend to apply that concept quite a fair bit in my posts I believe. Like, how I’d say things like ‘Life is beautiful, wonderful, magical’ or ‘We are not just survivors, we’re soldiers, fighters, warriors’.

The Power of Three also reminds me a lot of the Holy Trinity – that is, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Although if you’re from the South of the US, I hear the Holy Trinity refers to green peppers, celery and onions. Lol.

Well, today, the Awesome Threesome would have to be Kor, Mum and I. We happened to have a teeny tiny bit of an adventure today… But first, let’s talk about lunch!

This afternoon, we headed to Novena Square a.k.a. Velocity for lunch at Curry Favour. Dad loves this place but it’s his loss for currently being in Cape Town. He texted Mum the other evening telling her that he had an awesome time in Krugar National Park so now’s he’s chilling in the city while the three of us are back here jealous as heck! Hehe.

Anyway, Curry Favour is a restaurant serving Japanese curry which is more stew-like with a spicy element to it.

I ordered a Mushroom Stew Curry with Japanese Rice and Pickles,

served with a side of refreshing salad. We get to choose the level of oomph in the spiciness of our curries and obviously, what’s curry without the zingy spiciness right? So I opted for the spiciest which wasn’t all too spicy actually.

The Mushroom Stew Curry uses a chicken broth base I believe and it had a robust flavour with a very subtle hint of sweet. There were meaty white button mushrooms and lots of enoki mushrooms swimming in the stew.

So. GOOD!

Kor had himself a Rosu Katsu Curry Set which he enjoyed especially since it’s not too easy to find good Curry Katsu in the UK.

Mum initially ordered her favourite Shrimp Curry but apparently, that was sold out – although I think they just didn’t have any shrimp available because the place wasn’t really busy today so they couldn’t have run out of shrimp that quick… I think. =) Anyway, Mum settled for the Chicken Curry which I don’t think was as impressive as her usual Shrimp Curry.

We did a little shopping before we dropped by Aunty Aud’s on the way home for Mum to pass some things over. When Mum got out of the car, she heard this loud hissing sound, quite like the sound of water rushing out of a tap at high pressure. Kor and I sat in the car while Mum ran the tiny errand and upon returning to the car, Mum opened the door and announced, ‘The tyre’s flat’.

Cue: Mighty Mouse’s ‘Here WE come to save the dayyyyy!’

Ok. Not quite. More like ‘Here Kor comes to save the dayyyy!’

My dear brother had to put his muscles to the test and crank the car up to change the wheel, with Mum helping to hold onto the spare wheel and me helping him fit the spare wheel in when the time came. And we were way faster than the AA who Mum called and who said that they would take an hour and a half to reach us. Gawd! This is tiddly Singapore. It takes a maximum of 40minutes (and that’s being generous) to drive from one end of the island to the other!!!

I am so proud of the three of us and I am incredibly proud of my big brother who had to really use his brawn, and some brains, this afternoon to do most of the hard work!! It was a pretty fun experience although I doubt I can say the same for him. =x Hehe. But I enjoyed that the three of us had to get our hands dirty together to accomplish our tiny mission. And hey! We managed to drive the car home without the wheel falling off so that definitely says something about our mechanics skills now, doesn’t it? x)

Ooh!! And Kor helped me lug home a box of the new flavours available by Nakd that I have been itching to try since they were launched end of summer. I helped myself to a Cocoa Orange Nakd bar and it TOTALLY reminded me of Jaffa cakes. Mmm… Love it!

Anyway, I had a pretty cool day today although I have to say that it has been a struggle the last few days dealing with the whole body image thing. I’m refusing to give in to ED and I am nourishing my body well. It’s just my self-perception, self-worth and self-esteem I have to work on. It’s really quite a challenge working on mental recovery but I know that it is so important to not neglect my physical while I’m at it.

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.”
- Stanley Lindquist

I like this quote. It reminds me that to feel big, or fat, or uggz, are feelings that I am feeling and there really is no point denying them. However, I have to know that in reality, I am none of the above. Rather, the feelings I am experiencing are ones that are reflecting my negative emotions. What I need to do is to learn to fully appreciate myself. I cannot pick and choose which parts of me to accept because every component – my physical, mental and emotional, all make me who I am. They all make me unique and special. And no one else, not in the past, nor the present, nor the future, will ever be able to be half like me, let alone exactly like me.

At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

That’s right my gorgeous friends. We are all the one and only versions of ourselves who will ever walk this Earth. So let’s be the healthiest, bestest, beautifullest individuals that we are and make the most of this one life that we have!!!

<3<3<3<3<3
xx

.: Illuuuuusions :.

Ever since I was a tiddly little thing, I’ve had this fascination with illusions – especially the ones that go: Rabbit or a Duck, Face or Man playing Trumpet? You know, the ones that have two pictures incorporated into one and at times, it is so easy to see the one and not see the other picture within the picture until someone points it out. And then bang! The second picture becomes so obvious that you end up wondering why you couldn’t see it before.

Lady or Skull?

I think ED is quite like that with the illusions it creates that makes us blind to the truth. And it’s scary. It’s scary to think that what I may be seeing in the mirror isn’t a true reflection of me. And yet, at the same time, there is that fear that what I see could be true but no one dares tell me the facts because they don’t want ED to fester within and eat me up again.

Lady looking into a mirror or Grinning skull?

It’s been tough these last few days and while the insecurities about my body is building up, as some of you said, I have to see it as gaining health; an abandonment of ED and if I can get through this, I am on the path to being physically and psychologically healthy. I know that every day I overcome without succumbing to any of ED’s nonsense makes me stronger and at the end of the day, I am the one who chooses whether I want to listen to ED or not. And I am choosing not to simply because I now know that there isn’t a choice actually.

When Kor walked through the glass doors of the airport after collecting his luggage, he gave Mum a hug before exclaiming that I look so good, sealing that remark with a hug for me too. There was a part of me felt happy, and another part that couldn’t help but shrug off what he said by injecting the word ‘FAT’ into my head. How childish of ED don’t you think?

Later though, when we were safe at home, sheltered from the billowing winds and treacherousness of the thundering showers, Kor said that I still look thin, but so much better and so much healthier than I was the last time he saw me – which was in summer in the UK.

Young Lady or Old Woman?

The concept of ’still being thin’ is really something that I cannot get my mind around because I don’t see it at all. While I try not to spend too much time in the mirror, when I am getting dressed, I can’t help but peer at myself from the front, and the back and the left and the right and nope, I don’t see what they see. I suppose this is why it IS so important to be able to trust the people closest to me.

Man Playing the Sax or Face of a Woman?

There was this one picture taken with Kor last year when I was allowed out from the hospital one weekend and I remember at that time thinking that I looked totally normal and healthy. I even had that picture up on facebook and on my MSN display picture, only to look at it now and cringe in wonder at how I could have entertained the thought that I looked good. And in a way, this same incident has repeated itself numerous times in recovery with me, at one point, looking at pictures of myself thinking I look great, only to see the truth as I progress closer to true, objective health.

Bearded Man or Ghostly Figure?

As much as I would like to say that I was right in so many things pertaining to recovery, I have to admit that I have been proven wrong time and again. These illusions conjured up by ED? I bought into them too many times before and they held me back. But I’ve learned my lesson and I know that Mum and Dad as well as the wonderful ED team do not want me overweight – contrary to what the twisted logic of ED says. They just want exactly what I want – health.

Sometimes, ED tries to tell us that our parents are lying to us to make us eat – at least that’s what it used to tell me. However, having had their support for so long now, I realise that Mum and Dad have nothing to gain by lying to me. They know how important it is for trust to be present during and of course, after recovery. Of course, recovery in a two-way process and while Mum and Dad have learned to trust me, I have learned to trust them too no matter how difficult. So far, they have never let me down, and for that, I am blessed. And as I start to depart from this world of ED-filled illusions and fantansies, I know that I have many eyes aiding me in seeing the truth.

Truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it and ignorance may deride it, but, in the end, there it is.
- Sir Winston Churchill

Just as with all the optical illusions above, what we choose to see may not be the same as what others see. Similarly, like ED, what we see at first may merely be the picture that ED allows us to see. It is only when we seek the help of others will we be able to see the other side of the story and realise in time that something that was there all along, was kept hidden because we needed someone else to uncover it for us.

No illusion here in case you were wondering. x)

I know I know, this is getting a little deep. Lol. I guess what I mean to say is that, while ED still lingers, we will still have to rely on our loved ones to show us what’s true; to help us be objective. Even then, we may not always be convinced by what they say but usually, when we continue to draw closer to recovery and stop to take a look back at where we came from, chances are, we will be able to finally see what they saw then.

For me, this anxiety about my body image right now may be temporary and I have to keep trusting my family in what they say because I know that one day soon, when I look back on this time, I will be able to observe what they already have. It has been proven time and again, and I know deep down inside of me, that it will be proven yet again… which is fine by me!! x)

Much Loves!!
xx

.: Bodily Encounters :.

I just had to get these feelings off my chest…

In the last few days, I have started noticing more physical bodily changes about me that are in a way, freaking me out a little. The logical, rational side of me says that it is because my body is still redistributing my weight but of course, there is still that lingering bit of ED that is trying to influence my thoughts – telling me that I am getting too big. It is pretty uncomfortable trying to get used to my thighs growing closer and closer to each other every day and at times, they commit the ED-shuddering ‘crime’ of touching. I’m becoming more conscious of having a little belly that sticks out a lot more after eating and the generous appearance of a bum I have that can now fill up my shorts.

Of course, all these signs point towards my goal of being healthy and leading a well-balanced life, but I won’t deny the fact that this is extremely challenging. I guess I’ve almost forgotten what healthy means, and how healthy looks. Obviously, ED is getting a kick out of my insecurities right now, telling me that it’s not too late to turn around; that it will always be up for the ‘best friend’ title. Unfortunately, that title has long gone to Pea!

It’s really easy to forget at times that ED isn’t something that we can have a bit of – It is all or nothing. Don’t worry though. I am still eating well, snacking well and drinking my Ensures well! In fact, when I think back to how I was able to restrict before, it reinforces exactly why I do not want to return to that time again. All I can remember really is the feeling of existing but not really living. I don’t remember feeling happy then whereas nowadays, I can share about all the little things that are making me beam with my heart even though there are definitely small, random pockets of sadness – which I think is normal and a part of life itself.

Anyway, I just wanted to spew my thoughts out and in a way, I also wanted to share these feelings because maybe, just maybe, some of you out there are experiencing a similar situation right now, or in time. I don’t want to glaze over the whole process of recovery as easy and stress-free. Even at this stage where I am at the cusp of being weight recovered, there is still some apprehension and fear. But I know that running back is not a solution and the life I want is right in front of me. All I need to do is take those few steps forward so that I can start to run it proper.

“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid…The Lord is with me; He is my helper.”
- Psalms 118:6-7

I know that having brought me this far, God will not forsake me and whatever feelings I may be feeling now in relation to my physical body will only be temporary. After all, I have to remember that only I can make myself happy and I know that living a life with ED in mind is definitely not one that ever made me truly happy. I want to live my life knowing that I did it to the best of my abilities and that beauty lies in exactly the way God created us – not through the manipulation of His handiwork.

We all deserve to live life for ourselves but I believe that it all comes in a nice package. That is, first and foremost, we need our health. With health, we can accomplish anything and everything we want. We can scale any mountain; we can swim any sea. I believe that these queasy feelings are only transitory and it is a matter of getting used to. In a way, I guess they aren’t necessarily bad changes that my body is undergoing. Instead, a better way to see it would perhaps be… different. I’m feeling different physically but I know that this is yet another level up from where I was before. Perhaps in a month or two from now, I may just be re-reading this post, laughing at the triviality of my current fears! =) Perhaps.

The real sin against life is to abuse and destroy beauty, even one’s own—even more, one’s own, for that has been put in our care and we are responsible for its well-being.
- Katherine Anne Porter

xx

P.S. One more exam to go!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. Thanks for all your well wishes so far! I think it’s working wonders!! *mwah*