.: Rebirth :.

Naming this post ‘Rebirth’ is so cliche I know but I think it is apt in describing this next phase of what I am going to go through. I stopped blogging on Nattieats even though I had the intention to push on and carry on with my eating plans, but I ended up sliding down, down, down. It is pretty amazing how quickly weight can be lost and time and again, we are told that it is not that easy to put on weight. Yet, I refuse to believe in that fact. Apparently, it appears to be true. Still, it does not make it any easier gaining the kilos I ought to gain. I know that after the past week, I have a whole lot of work to do and the task is indeed extremely daunting. I know that I cannot give up though and so, I decided to start on a new blog, in a new blogging site, in order to start afresh and leave the tumble that I have been experiencing behind.

This is going to be a tough journey and I do not know how long it is going to take. That’s the thing about Chester – he lulls me into this false sense of security that everything is going smoothly, that everything is fine and dandy. Then, when I least expect it, he pulls the rug from under my feet and laughs when I fall flat on my butt. Sometimes I feel like not caring anymore. I feel as if all the effort goes to nought and it would be so much easier to give up, to let him take control because fighting is just too difficult, it takes up too much of my energies.

This blog is still going to be predominantly an online food journal once again but it will also document the ups and downs of battling ED. I guess all of you would have noticed a pattern of me disappearing whenever things are not going well. It is just easier to hide I suppose. I will try though, to continue writing even through my down times because I know that this is the main gateway for close friends and family to follow my progress.

I really do not know whether I have it in me to fight on. I plan to start today eating right, eating little at more frequent intervals in order to regulate my meal times again because I know that I am currently unable to eat full meals at one go. I hope that I will be able to persevere and be able to oust Chester out of my head permanently because right now, he is definitely present.

I know many people think that ED is all about vanity, wanting to be thin, thinner, thinnest. To be honest, it did start off a little like that with the whole dieting thing but I realise now that dropping in weight does not make me happier and does not make me feel prettier. Instead, my weight is almost a determinant of how much, how well I am able to be in control of my life. It is a competition against myself, to better myself every day through restricting, through my perception of self-discipline. I know how wrong it is, how distorted, disillusioned I am but I guess it serves to show how powerful an organ our brains are. I have a lot of work to do – building my self-esteem back up, finding back my self-confidence, learning to love myself wholeheartedly, to forgive myself when things go awry, to embrace my body as it is and not as an object to be abused, to give up control to God by trying to establish a relationship with him.

Will you join me on this journey?