.: To Greater Heights :.

I went for my weigh-in this morning with my dearest ED doctor, who is by the way, a God-send. I love her to bits and she is so much like a mother hen who clucks when I am faring badly and gives a right good finger-wagging, and cheers me on in the most wonderful of ways when I am progressing well. Of course, it is always best to see her when I am on the up because the warmth she exudes never fails to permeate through my pores and touch my heart, and it delights me to be able to extend that bright smile on her face.

Today marks my highest recorded weight so far since my diagnosis!! And you know what? God is simply an amazing God. No doubt. Let me elaborate:

I HEART NAT!

This morning, I got dressed in my shorts and racer back – which is pretty much my ‘uniform’ because it means not having to think, and I looked at myself in the mirror. In my head, I thought, “Nat, you’re looking pretty good!” And then silence. When I say silence, I mean it in a good way because there was no stupid voice berating me for thinking well of myself. Still, as Dad and I headed to the hospital, I knew that I had gained since last week, and I kind of readied myself for it mentally before stepping into Dr. Lee’s clinic.

By the way, it was lovely to have Dr. Lee comment, “You look so pretty today! What have you done?” as soon as I walked in. To which I replied “Err.. Get healthy?” The best thing was that she hadn’t even weighed me beforehand so she didn’t even know if I had gained, lost, or maintained. It was a definite feel-good boost to an already optimistic day! As it turned out, I gained more than I ‘allowed’ myself and you know what?! SO F*CKING WHAT!? When I hopped off the scales, Dr. Lee asked a little concernedly about how I felt. Suddenly, I realised that the numbers didn’t matter to me. They don’t define who I am. And having stopped weighing myself at home since ages ago now, I have learned to be happy on my own accord, based on my own feelings, based on how I feel about myself – not what some machine dictates.

For those of you who have followed my blog for a while now, you may remember that I mentioned that Mum, Dad and I wrote up a contract whereby I have 3 target weights to meet and there’s an incentive for me with each target I meet. So at target weight #1, I am allowed to start exercising and previously, that always backfired into me spiralling back into the dark, smelling pits of ED. This time though, I am a mere few hundred grams from target weight #2, so I get to start yoga with Mum! That would be great mother-daughter bonding time and I can’t wait! And neither can I wait to reach target weight #3 – my final target weight! I won’t reveal to you what the incentives are just yet although some of you may already know but I get 2 things once I reach it.

But you know what? The incentives are merely just that – incentives. At the end of the day, I know that the rewards that I am already reaping are priceless. And still, there will be more to come! I have gained a close relationship with Mum and Dad, I have learned to appreciate the astounding support from my beautiful friends, I have, and am still learning, to appreciate myself, my body, my individuality. I am loving myself more and more each day. I feel like the void that used to exist within me is filling up, slowly, but surely. I have developed an increased trust and faith in God, and when things get rough, I think of Him taking control and I believe that He will bulldoze away all the obstacles laid by the hands of Satan who has nothing better to do than to suck the life out of God’s perfectly imperfect creations.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but her leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.”
-Jeremiah 17:5

He WILL see us through because we are ALL worthy of His love and goodness. =)

Prior to going for my appointment, I had brekkie!

Toast with soynut butter and apricot jam!! Not bad not bad but the jam overwhelmed the meek soynut flavour a little. I am so tempted to break into our bottle of strawberry jam but the doors of our fridge where all the spreads are kept are stacked with about 6 bottles of nut butters already, or is it 7? And there’s more on the way!

After my appointment, I had a Nakd Banana Bread bar in the car on the way home.

Today’s lunch consisted of butternut squash with a bit of melted cheese, 2 herbed sausages and sauerkraut – gots to finish the sauerkraut now don’t we? Lol. Cold sauerkraut’s really good with piping hot, freshly grilled sausages! And the butternut squash was so sweet and so custardy it practically melted in my mouth!

Mum and I went to The Finest after lunch for some groceries. It’s always nice to look around and see what new goodies they have come up with. Well, apart from the giant pumpkins they’ve brought in in lieu with upcoming Halloween, there wasn’t much else different. Still, it was fun just hanging with Mum. I did manage to buy some of the flavours of Ensure in Guardian, that they weren’t selling in Living Pharmacy on Tuesday though, so at least I have the different flavours to play around with. I think if I had only 2 or 3 flavours to choose from, I’d get sick of the taste really quick so thank God that we have 6 different ones available here!

After returning home, I watched some Beauty & the Geek. Lol. It’s jokes but pure entertaining to watch! I don’t generally watch much reality TV but when I do, I actually derive excitement from watching them. Don’t ask me why! I also tried to get started on my term paper. I didn’t manage to do much though but some head way is better than no head way at I suppose! x)

My afternoon snack was a Dr. You cereal bar with a light chocolate drizzle on top. Then….

It was out to Amoy Street this evening with my lovely parents for dinner.

And at Amoy Street Food Centre, what better than to eat Thunder Tea Rice!! For those of you who do not know, thunder tea rice is actually a dish by the Hakkas (a Chinese clan) and consists of steamed rice, topped with a myriad of vegetables – chye sim, beans, carrots, celery, cabbage…, roasted peanuts and cubed firm tofu. There’s a tea soup on the side that is made of a blend of green tea leaves, sesame seeds and herbs such as basil, mint and coriander.

I tend to go for brown rice because I love the chewier texture.

What I like to do is to pour the tea soup over the rice and mix everything together. I topped mine with some freshly cut chillies for the extra oomph. Wonderful!! It may not look pretty but it’s super tasty in my opinion. That said, I know that it’s not to everyone’s taste, especially the tea soup which some may find a little bitter. Still, this dish is packed with a whole lot of healthy!

One of Mum’s friends in church just underwent a mastectomy this morning. She only recently found out that she has had breast cancer despite being relatively young. When Mum told me about it, it totally served to remind me about how life is so unpredictable. I pray that C will be able to recovery fully and that the cancer was caught before it had time to spread to her lymph nodes or other parts of her body. Life is indeed precious which is why I refuse to stay stuck in ED any longer. To women, and men, who have developed breast cancer (or any other life-threatening disease), they can only hope that it was detected early, or that chemo for them turns out successful, or that the cancer has not spread after the removal of their breasts. When I think of C’s courage, and Aunty Laur’s as well, I look at myself and I wonder how I was able to single-handedly try and destroy my body when so many around the world are trying to salvage theirs for reasons beyond their control. It makes you think doesn’t it?

Anyway, after dinner I tried my hand at a little more work before meeting my Changing Landscapes project mates online. It was a pretty brief meeting but I ended up staying on longer than I expected as I started chatting with friends. That’s always the case – A conversation starts and it never seems to end. Hehe. It was nice catching up with them though since I’m really too lazy to be ‘online’ on MSN usually. I generally prefer to ‘appear offline’ and chat with the people I feel like chatting to if they happen to be on. =x Now you know my secret! Lol.

I had a bowl of yoghurt with almond butter and vanilla dreams PB for my nightcap! Delightful!

Since I was to have a packet of Anlene milk as well, what better than to pour some in to mix. It obviously thinned out the yoghurt a little but it made it no less delicious! I’ve said it once, twice, thrice, quadrice (is there such a word?? o.O) and I’ll say it again and again until the cows come home: “NUT BUTTERS ROCK MY SOCKS!”

Eh hem. Excuse my little spurt of excitement thank you very much!

Sleep beckons so let me leave you all with this bit of insightfulness by a person called Oliver Goldsmith. He said,

“Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall”

Amen to that!

Good night sweetpeas!

xx

.: Fantasy :.

I’m so glad all of you enjoyed the Garbage Truck story. =) I think so often we go about our daily lives forgetting that while we may be having a great day, others may not be and vice versa. In retrospect, I think the troubles we end up dumping on each other isn’t usually the fault of one person alone, but rather, a culmination of all the not-so-happy events we encountered throughout that day. For me, I know that I should not let the ‘garbage’ stored up in one person weigh me down when it gets unloaded onto me, at the same time though, I too have to realise that I cannot unload my ‘garbage’ onto those around me either.

I went to Ion Central this morning after breakfast which consisted of yoghurt with dark chocolate dreams PB (love!) and a packet of Nakd Orange Raisins plied on top. The orange raisins were just as amazing as yesterday’s cherry ones.

The orange flavour permeated right through the raisin and even Mum and Dad, who tried a raisin or two each were mighty impressed.

I thought to have the orange raisins with my yoghurt-PB concoction since you know, orange and chocolate tend to make a pretty compatible pair. I suppose the dark chocolate dreams PB was not as chocolaty in this case to keep up with the strong oranginess of the raisins so it was a little underwhelming. I ended up eating the raisins up first before savouring the thick, creamy PB!

I did a little shopping at Ion Central – visiting Bershka and buying 3 tops. I think that place has quite a lot of funky clothes and it’ll probably be a shop I’ll patronise pretty often from now on. Their prices are more affordable than River Island’s although I still love River Island. It finally opened just opposite Berhka so it looks like I should stop carrying my plastic into town with me from now on or my bank account’s going to shrivel up and die.

There was a spot of ED moment when I was trying on clothes in the changing room. Somehow, when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I couldn’t help but feel so adverse towards it. But well, I’m over it now thank goodness!

Lunch was a tofu-wich with wilted sprouts, tzatziki and a side of pumpkin. The tzatziki I used today was from Copperpot instead of Fage and while it beat Chris’s, it was distinctly tangier than Fage’s tzatziki and it wasn’t as thick and creamy. Personally, I’d stick to Fage. Or rather, I’ll run back to it as soon as this tub of Copperpot’s been cleaned up.

Anyway, I did see the elusive Fage tzatziki at the supermarket today but they expire on the 9th of this month which is too quick for me to eat it all up. Furthermore, I have Copperpot’s right now anyway so I shouldn’t be greedy and pile up on dips and spreads at home. Lol.

I had a session with V today which was spent mainly with her doing quite a bit of ‘hard talking’. I know that everything she said was is true about how the mental and physical have to work together and that I cannot try to get my mental sorted before working on my physical. I understand that. In fact, I agreed with her on that in our last session already which is why I’m working at pushing myself even when it feels so tempting to slip back some days while I’m rushing around Uni. She did tell me to praise myself and how far I’ve come though which was heartening, especially when she was trying to be all direct and relatively harsh to me compared to usual.

At one point, I told V that I did think I looked better before. And she started telling me about how awful I looked when I was relapsing, how gaunt I was, and likened me to a concentration camp prisoner. She said that for me to think I look better was a downright fantasy that ED was tricking me into believing. I had to stop her then. Because she had misunderstood me. When I said ‘before’, I meant pre-ED – when I was healthy. I think I made her feel really bad especially when she asked if she had upset me and I started tearing. I don’t blame her though. I guess in her line of work, she has probably had to deal with girls who did believe themselves prettier when they were all bones, and I didn’t make myself clear enough either. At least I managed to speak up and tell her what it was I meant.

Psychologically speaking, I’ve actually been feeling a whole lot more calm lately. I feel more at peace with myself and my past. In terms of weight gain, I know that I am expected to gain at a more rapid speed and as V said, as long as I am not at MHW, then technically, I am still starving my body.

I remember watching Okto a few weeks ago about the tallest woman in the world in China, who cannot stop growing due to a tumour in her brain. The doctors found that she had stopped her period because the tumour was  preventing a certain hormone from being released and as a result, her ovaries have shrivelled up and basically, her uterus has been rendered void. It’s scary because I know the longer I take to get my period back, the higher the chance of my ovaries shrivelling up and drying out. As it is, I loathe hospital appointments and I don’t want to spend my adult life back in hospital seeking fertility treatments over something that could well have been avoided.

Anyway, as my session with V was about to be wrapped up, we basically concluded that I need to push myself that extra bit more now, to really act just like in war – the talking’s gotta stop and the charging at the enemy’s gotta start.

I had a Tracker Raisin bar for my tea after my appointment.

Gooey, chewy, crunchy, just as the wrapper stated. But too sweet for me. I liked that they were well generous with the raisins though!

Mum, Dad and I stopped by Great World City after my visit to Life just to walk around. The Cold Storage there is huge and as we were trying to while away time before going for dinner, we ended up exploring all the goodies stocked up in the supermarket. We managed to buy a few bits and pieces, before we stopped by Guardian to buy more packets of Ensure Plus. They had placed two prices for the Vanilla Ensure – one at $2.25 and the other at $2.65. I think the standard price is actually $2.65 at Guardian, although Living Pharmacy only charges $2.48 (both are still cheaper than buying them in bulk at SGH surprisingly). So anyway, Dad told the cashier that the price for the Vanilla Ensures stated $2.25 and as a result, he charged us that amount for the two packets we bought, while the other 4 remained the same. I thought that was really good of the cashier but then again, if I were the dude, I’d have done it too since Dad was giving him his serious face which I promise you, is downright scary.

Upon exiting the GWC carpark, we found out just how exhorbitant the fees were. We had only spent about an hour there and we were charged $5+ for it which is seriously ridiculous!! And there we were, feeling so pleased that the carparks weren’t very full and we had managed to find ourselves a really good lot. No wonder! Not many people were parked there obviously because the parking fees are so expensive.

Nevertheless, the little bout of daylight robbery couldn’t put too much of a damper on our moods because it was off to Amoy Street FC to have our Thunder Tea Rice fix. It’s the soup! I swear they put addictive in there that keeps us going back for more!

I had a Clif Chocolate Chip bar for my nightcap which was yum!

This bar was generous with the chocolate chips. Argh! I should have warmed it up before eating it though. I’m sure it would have tasted even more like a freshly baked chocolate chip oatmeal cookie! Ah well, next time round I’ll be sure to do that. =)

.: :) :.

.: :) :.

I just finished writing this entry but I really need to say this:

I’m sorry to all of you. I’ve been extremely rude! I should have done this yesterday but I didn’t. I mean, how did I forget to say THANK YOU! for all the beautiful birthday messages you heaped on me!? Gosh! To think I only remembered to show my gratitude today! How terrible of me! Honestly, all of you are incredible people and I cannot help but feel so immensely blessed with your presence. Thank you thank you thank you!!! xx

Joy! I’m feeling happy right now because I managed to work out how to get my songs into my iPod. I know I know, I’m such a noob! I used to have an iPod mini but that was ages ago and I’d long forgotten how to work it. Furthermore, I no longer need that dumb CD to install iTunes. I’m guessing all of you must be sniggering at how lagging behind technology I am. Haha. I’m really not much of a tech-savvy person so forgive my ignorance. The main thing is that I managed to transfer songs into my pretty, new nano and that’s all that matters!

Another bit of happiness is that my school week’s come to an end yet again but I’m going to make sure that I catch up on readings the next few days, or try my best to at the very least. =x I’m such a procrastinator when it comes to studies…

Today’s been a somewhat uneventful day so I don’t think I’ll have much to talk about. Than again, maybe I do. Haha. I seem to have this ability to talk about nothing in general and go on and on until it becomes something.

I had an Eggo Waffle with Vanilla Swirl PB and a poached egg for breakfast today. Why are nut butters so addictive?! Even as I prepared breakfast, I was there licking PB off my fingers and spoon. Insanely delicious!

For lunch, I had a sweet potato with a sizzling banger that I topped with Colman’s English Mustard and BBQ sauce. Thankfully I baked two sweet potatoes because Mum was thinking of having one to munch on a bit later but the one I took tasted rancid and bitter! So I ended up having to steal Mum’s for my lunch, and throwing the one on my plate away. Hehe.

I had alfafa sprouts, eggplant chips and roasted sweet yellow peppers for my veggies, as well as a big dollop of cottage cheese just because I felt like having some. Eggplant chips are incredibly tasty! I know I’ve made them a few times before but seriously, I think I’m going to have to make this more often.

My first lecture ended really early, so while everyone cleared out of the lecture theatre, I decided to stay on and prepare for my afternoon tutorial.

From the empty desks in front, you can see I was first in class!!.. For once. (Pun not intended. hehe)

I got to class early and managed to eat my Nakd Berry Bar which was so good I tell you! The berry flavour was intense but what I like about Nakd is that they don’t use juice concentrate. They use pure juice as a sweetener and the little bits of walnuts embedded in the bar added tiny bits of crunch here and there. Awesome stuff!!

I ordered the 4 new flavours by Nakd – Ginger Bread, Cocoa Orange, Pecan Pie and Cashew Cookie that I sent to Kor. He’s supposed to have sent it over so hopefully it gets here quick so that I can give them a try. So far, I’ve heard only great things about them and I expect that they will not disappoint!

Since lessons ended relatively late today, Mum and Dad picked me up straight so that we could eat what I was craving for – Thunder Tea Rice!

I actually starting filling up about 3/4 the way through and I felt as if everything in my bowl had suddenly doubled in portion. Scary shizz if that really happened!

I'll never be able to live without Thunder Tea Rice!!

Mum and Dad were great though, telling me to just take it slow, which I did and eventually, I managed to clear every last grain of rice in my bowl. I left the food centre feeling full, but really satisfied. Oh and not to mention, kind of proud. x) Although there was a little voice at the back of my head that tried to tell me that I was expanding, expanding, expanding. Stupid voice. It just boggles me how much it can affect me even though it really is just a voice.

That’s the thing. ED is merely an irritating voice that speaks of all things irrational and nonsensical which is why it gets to me so, so much when I hear of girls talking about wanting to be incredibly thin in order to be happy. I hate it that illusions can be so easily bought into. WHY!?

When my ED first started, I thought losing that few pounds would make me happier, make me feel better. It did. But then it spiralled out of control and having been in the mingin’ pits of ED, knowing what it was like and how hard it is to get out of it, it makes me upset to know that it is this exact same pit that so many others are falling into. The thing is, I know that when I developed ED, there were other contributing factors that led to this intense need to be in control and I wonder how many girls and guys out there with anorexia may be using it as a means of coping. I wonder if they have the help they need. I wonder if they will be ok.

I need to stop. I need to stop thinking about others. I mean, not that I do not care. Just typing what I am typing out right now makes me realise that I am caring more than I should about others with ED, or fearing that others may develop it and then have to fight the difficult battle to find their place back in ‘normal’ society once more. Right now, it is I who needs to be thought of. It is my body that needs to be cared for. It is my mental well being that needs to be nurtured and strengthened first before I can wholly help others.

Now, I’m not going to lie and say that when I hear or read of girls chasing after thinness in an attempt to be happy, it doesn’t affect me. Of course it does! But I know that when I was all bones, I looked horrendous and I was far from happy. In fact, I was a miserable cow skeleton that had nothing. I was an empty shell – devoid of emotions, aimless, D.E.A.D. I guess being idealistic at times, I wish that I could make the world right. I wish I could find a way to save everyone from falling to the scraggly, slimey arms of ED. I wish I could help prevent everyone from making the same mistakes I have made – and that’s not just in regards to ED. Then comes the more realistic Nat who reminds me that the world can never be free from woes and worries, that everyone has to experience life personally, make mistakes and learn from them by themselves, that I cannot be everyone’s saviour…

Enough chat from me. Sorry for that little bit of rambling. I just had to let my thoughts flow out of my fingertips or else I’d be bothered thinking about it all night. =)

Anyway, I had a Trek Mixed Berry bar for my night snack which was yet another heavyweight. This bar didn’t do it for me tastewise though. I prefer their Cocoa Brownie and Peanut & Oat bar over this.

Mixed berry didn’t have much berry flavour to it and tasted a little chalky. I was pretty disappointed to be honest because Nakd’s Berry Cheeky was delightfully cheeky indeed. Nakd and Trek are under the same company, hence the high expectation for Trek’s Mixed Berry especially after this afternoon’s Nakd bar.

Tomorrow, Mum, Dad and I are off for a day trip up to Melaka!! Can’t wait although I doubt I’ll be spending much. Still, it’s nice to get out of tiddly Singapore once in a while. We’ll be having lunch there which is making me feel rather apprehensive but I’m going to make sure not to pack any lunch with me so that I don’t back out. It takes about 3 hours to drive up there so obviously once we’re there, I cannot afford to be a chicken and rush home since by the time we get back home again, it’d be tea time and well, it’d be a ridiculous thing for me to do. And not to mention irrational so no, I shall be good to myself and lunch with Mum and Dad in a nice restaurant in Melaka while enjoying their company.

I’ll try to blog tomorrow night but if I don’t, I’ll be updating Friday! =)

Warm love and fuzzy kisses to all of you! xx

.: Note to Self :.

I sat in my first lecture of the day today and out of boredom, decided to pen a letter to myself. I do this sometimes because it helps me take a step back to analyse my thoughts and feelings pertaining to whatever it is I may be thinking about. This afternoon, I couldn’t help but keep thinking about a comment left to me this morning by a reader that quite frankly, stung me. I guess I’ve always been on the sensitive side so this particular comment about me still being entrenched in ED left me feeling down.

Dear Nat,

I know that a comment made to you this morning left you upset, especially the part about you being a long way away from recovery. The thing is, the anonymous commenter IS right – recovery IS a long way away but remember Nat, what is the definition of ‘recovery’? If you have attained healthy weight but still have ED’s voice pop up from time to time, are you deemed recovered? If you have not physically reached healthy BMI but are able to eat without restriction, are you said to be recovered? Similarly, who defines what ‘normal’ is with regards to eating? Some people eat out everyday at hawker centres and say that that is ‘normal’, others eat fast food for every meal and yet others eat home-cooked food without fail everyday. My point is, don’t fret about what was said. While you may have some way to go with respect to recovery, you have also come so far along this road to Destination Recovery!

For starters, think about how your hair used to fall out in clumps. Remember how you used to have to unclog the shower drains once every two days? You used to sit through lectures this time last year wearing thick sweaters and shivering while yours nails and lips turned blue. Now, you don’t always rely on sweaters because you are better insulated and what’s more, you’re less ‘furry’ now too!

Sleep is no longer painful and disrupted; climbing up and down the stairs no longer leaves you feeling faint from the effort; your heart beats more strongly and regularly; you no longer look worn out, hollow – dead.

Now think about how far you have come from the psychological perspective. Sure, you’ve fallen prey to ED’s abuse more than a few times in this recovery process, but you know what Nat? You’re so much stronger now. You’ve managed to show the ED team that you can do it out of hospital and the fact that your sessions with V are now once a month compared to once every 2 weeks must mean that she feels you don’t require such intensive psychological support. You asked for your weight to be monitored closely as it increases so that you do not start to become complacent. It wasn’t Mum or Dad who asked for it. YOU did and you know that the Nat from yesteryear would never have requested for that because she would have rather wallowed in a life of ED.

Wait. There’s more.

It’s been about half a year since you went on a binge and neither have you purged in the longest time. You no longer spend hours in the supermarket drooling over food you are too afraid to eat. Neither do you spend you entire week’s allowance on binge food. That goes to show that you are treating your body with respect by not subjecting it to such abuse.

Nat, remember how you used to spend hours watching Discovery Travel & Living because you were so obsessed with food? And remember that that same obsession would cause you to hoard recipe after recipe but you were too afraid to bake or cook lest you binge? And what about surfing the internet for food blogs just so that you could stare at the ‘forbidden’ food? You hardly spend more than 20 minutes a day looking at ‘food porn’ anymore and while watching Andrew Zimmern and Anthony Bourdain is still entertaining, you are now able to peel your eyes from the television to do other things when you feel like it.

In the social arena, you are able to go out and have fun with your friends. I understand that you still have more work to do and facing uncertainty in regards to food is still distressing. But at least you no longer isolate yourself and remain in the confines and security of home all day.

Since going and coming back from your UK holiday, you have also become more independent in making sure you eat when you have to. Your dependence on Mum and Dad has lifted and because of that, Dad can now schedule more meetings as and when since he has so much more flexibility. You don’t even need to be monitored to make sure you eat your meals and snacks and I believe that this blog has helped to make you more accountable for your actions too.

Lastly, but definitely by no means the least, remember how you used to throw screaming, hysterical tantrums over meals just a year ago? When you didn’t want to eat; when you wanted to eat but ED told you you couldn’t; when it was 15 minutes after your scheduled mealtime; when the food was too oily; when the place you wanted to eat at was closed… You would scream, cry, hurt yourself. And now? Look where you are! Your meal timings are no longer rigid and even when you eat dinner late, you still make sure you have your night snack. You no longer expect Mum and Dad to eat more than you at mealtimes and snacks. And your mood overall has been so much better – you’re less depressed, you’re smiling more, glimpses of the Nat I used to know is coming back.

So Nat, see how very very far you’ve come? There are still lots of things you have to work on both physically and psychologically but I know what you have worked hard so far so take heart in the fact that you are at least moving in the right direction! And you know what Nat? I’m proud of you! I’m proud that you are starting to love yourself more and that you are learning to respect the body that God blessed you with. You are beautiful and unique, and you will be even more so when you are wholly well again!

I love you Nat!

Love,
Nat

I think this letter to myself helped me to gain perspective on where I am at right now and I think that for those of you who are embroiled in this bitter fight against ED, perhaps writing a note to yourself may help you too. It helped me to see how much I have accomplished and it is encouraging to know that if I have managed to come this far, then I most definitely have the strength to finish this journey and venture into a healthy, new phase of my life. Also, on reflection, while there are bits of ED that I am finding tough to shrug off – things like facing fear foods and spontaneous eating, I know that I have left a lot of ED behind me already and for that, regardless of what some people may say, I am proud. =)

This morning, it was yoghurt with my GoLean Cereal concoction, together with cherries for breakfast. It was wholesome and I managed to find three whole pistachios in my cereal, amongst other chopped nuts of course. But three whole pistachios!!

I had lunch before having to leave to Uni – Mozzarella and Pesto Escalope with a side of spinach and king oyster mushrooms. I tend to still shy away from most cheeses so this was mentally challenging to face. I’m a sucker for melted cheese though so when I bit into the gooey cheese-pesto combination, I was in heaven.

Sometimes, ED tries to make me feel bad for enjoying what I eat – almost as if enjoying food is a sin and while it tried to make itself heard this noon time, I realised how vital it was for me to clear my plate since I was going to spend a good 4 hours in Uni. Actually, I spent the most part of the 4 hours seated in the lecture theatre (4 hours! Apart from the few minutes I spent walking from one lecture hall to the next) but still, I needed the fuel for my brain to function!

I went for my Changing Landscapes of Singapore lecture this afternoon but could not find a single face I recognised in the humongous LT! Thankfully, they have the lectures on webcast so I can listen and watch it in the comforts of home!

Social Research was rather dry and it was only during our 7-minute break when I was chatting with SamK and Indra that I felt refreshed and alert again. I swear, if it wasn’t for them next to me, I would have totally zonked out. The lecturer and the tutors seem nice enough. But the module itself… I guess it’s a little too early to say, it being the first lecture and everything. Furthermore, with a module titled ‘Social Research’, there’s bound to be the assumption that it sadly isn’t going to be all fun and games. Ah well…

Just before our Social Research lecture commenced, I remembered to take my snack – Be Natural’s Almond & Apricot bar. I took a picture of it before leaving home because I think it’d have been a little weird snapping photos of food in the lecture theatre. Hehe.

It was dessicated coconut overload I tell you! For a bar named ‘Almond & Apricot’, it had more coconut shreds than anything! In fact, when I looked at the ingredients after the bar was settled in my tums, dessicated coconut came second on the list, after almonds! I could hardly taste the apricots!

While the almonds provided a good crunch, I didn’t like it that I had bigger chunks pulled off with each bite I took. The coconut basically clung to each other so even a small bite led to the coconut shreds pulling more of its friends along with it. As you can see, it really wasn’t a bar I relished. Great for those who love dessicated coconuts though!

With lecture ending at around 5.45pm, Mum and Dad came to pick me up so that we could have dinner out together. It’s been a while so it was nice. =)

And off we went to Amoy Street Food Centre to have a bowl of Thunder Tea Rice! Always a family favourite despite the unappetising-looking greenish hue of the tea soup. Not pretty but oh-so-good! They actually put the recipe in yesterday’s Lifestyle in The Straits Times but I have no idea what ‘foo lik sum’ and ‘mugwort’ look like so I’ll probably ask my grandmother when she’s back. Whenever I eat thunder tea rice, I can’t help but feel so proud of being part Hakka!

As usual, I totally drowned my veg and rice in the tea soup! The rice soaks up the tea and the tea soaks up the vegetable flavours. Total awesomeness in a super-salad bowl even if it did leave me feeling filled to the brim thereafter. So satisfying!

I tried Clif’s Crunchy Peanut Butter bar for my night snack – yet another UK purchase!

I expected it to be a whole lot of PB love but I could hardly detect much PB in it. =( Well, apart from the one peanut that provided me with that little tiny bit of yayness. This bar had more of a standard Clif bar flavour. That is, how I would think a Clif bar would taste without any of the flavours and extras added in – chewy, moist and oatey. Also, despite the promise of ‘Crunchy PB’, I didn’t really find that much crunch in the bar. But… I still love Clif anyway! x)

I just checked my Uni email account and I cannot help but feel so incredibly blessed! My tutorial allocation results just came out and Praise the Lord! I managed to get every single tutorial slot I had balloted for! This means that I get my 3 day school week, leaving Thursday for appointments and Friday, Saturday and Sunday free! Uhm.. When I say free, I mean free to.. study! Haha. What a wonderful end to my Monday!! And an amazing start to my week!

.: SQ 321 :.

It’s been 3 hours since I landed and the first thing we did was drive down to Amoy Street Food Centre to satisfy my craving for Thunder Tea Rice!!!

I have been thinking about it since the beginning of this week so what a joy it was being able to fill my tummy up with brown rice, an assortment of leafy vegetables and thunder tea soup!! The greens seem to be doing their work already because I can feel my system starting to work. =x

Anyway, I’m sure you’re all probably wondering how the flight went. Let’s just say being stuck next to a guy who kept smacking his lips three times after each sip of orange juice and after every bite of food was not the most comfortable of experiences, although it helped that he seemed to have a penchant for airline food since he polished off every bit of food on his tray. And I mean every bit of food. I have never seen the food trays one planes so clean they almost looked as if no food had touched it at all! Hehe.

I find mealtimes on the plane to be daunting experiences generally because of the inability for me to know what may be served. I ordered the vegetarian meal (ovo-lacto) but still, having had a good dinner of half a butternut squash with BBQ fillets, a huge mound of yoghurt and mushrooms, I was afraid that supper on the plane would be too good to pass and end up making me feel overindulgent. Actually, the plane food this trip was a whole lot better than the half-undercooked, half-overcooked spaghetti and pasta I had on my flight to the UK. I had expected a light meal once the plane took off but instead, a full-on meal came delivered to me:

Dinner #2 consisted of a pineapple salad which I didn’t really touch because I don’t really subscribe to canned pineapple and there were some unidentified objects in it that I tasted and didn’t quite like. I did finish off the 4 large, succulent, juicy strawberries, as well as the sweet blueberries! But after eating one blackberry and finding it too gritty and slightly bitter, I left the other one untouched. Oh but the strawberries were so delightful! I can just imagine them once again right now…

But I shall proceed to the main meal itself. There were 3 measly cubes of pumpkin which were hardly as sweet as my butternut squash from dinner #1 at home, but I had them anyway just because they were pumpkin! Haha. I tell you, anything pumpkin and I’ll have it, especially if the skin is on and cooked until crisp. Of course, the cubes of pumpkin served on the plane were simple the flesh itself. There was also a small dollop of blanched spinach which I couldn’t pass on, as well as kidney beans and black eyed beans in a pasta-like sauce which I had some of and was quite passable. And for carbohydrates, there were about 4 slices of pan fried potatoes with shallots on top. I tried some but they turned out to be quite a let-down with their powdery texture.

I ended up falling straight to sleep after supper even though I mentioned to TY that I was determined to stay awake the whole trip so that getting over the time difference may be easier. I slept so much that by the time I woke up, it was 6am and then I slept some more until the smell of breakfast came wafting into the cabin! The ED part of me was totally screaming at me to start moving about more since I had fallen asleep right after eating but I guess I was too lazy to be bothered with it. Oh but if I did start walking up and down the aisles the whole night, I would have had a great reason! I swear the person in front of me must have eaten a gigantic bowl of chickpeas or something before boarding because the smell of fresh wind exiting his/her body through a back cavity (sorry, I have no idea how to better phrase it!) kept sweeping up my nose every so often. It was so strong I was afraid people were going to think it was me so can you imagine? While I slept and woke up each time a fresh fart came, I’d wave my hand frantically in front of my nose just so that the other passengers would know it wasn’t me. But then again, maybe it would verify their thoughts since the guilty one always tends to deny their deed the hardest. Lol. I promise you though, I wasn’t the culprit. And if I was, I assure you that my fart smells just like English roses!! Ahhh…

On to breakfast! Breakfast came once again with fresh fruits although they could well have been more generous. I got 3 smaller than ping-pong ball-sized rock melon that were gorgeously sweet and not to mention, full of juicy goodness! And I got 2 wedges each of already peeled orange and grapefruit. It’s been ages since I last had grapefruit and I quite liked the bitter-sweet taste of it.

The mains consisted of 2 rather large potato croquettes that had a few bits of mixed vegetables (i.e. formerly frozen corn and peas) embedded. I had some of that, as well as the blanched spinach and button mushrooms. The tomato was rather sour for my liking so I ditched that although I usually like grilled tomatoes.

I had about 2 hours to pass after breakfast before the plane was due to land and guess what I did? I napped some more! Planes tend to be able to lull me to sleep and while I tried to watch the Pink Pather 2 and Broken Flowers, I could barely even watch 10 minutes of the starting of both movies before I found myself nodding off. So I guess Mum and Dad can send me off to the UK on Easyjet next time or something since all I do is sleep on the plane. Lol. Althoughhhh, I did manage to play 30 minutes of tetris before we had to stow away the handsets for our landing in Singapore soil. I wanted to play Mario but they don’t seem to have it anymore. =(

There’s a tinge of sadness I feel having departed from the UK but well, there are more things to look forward to here now that I’m back. Tomorrow, I head to the zoo with JX and we’re gonna have a picnic there as well! x) And then I want to do a little shoes, bag and clothes shopping some time next week. And then I’m meeting Pea, Christine and Col although those are still not confirmed yet. And then Pea’s birthday is next week so I have to settle her present. And then JX’s birthday is also next week so that’s another present that has to be settled. And then Uni’s starting soon so I have to get my modules in order. And then Bundung will be end of next week as well. My my, it feel good to be occupied with so many things other than food!

******

On a more serious note, I was having a little chat with Dad just now about my eating habits in the UK and I am starting to suss out ED’s latest tactic is trying to get me to succumb to its calling. You know how when say, you’ve not exercised for ages and then one day, you decide to go for a jog. So you jog for say, 2km, and you take 20 minutes. Subsequently, as the week goes by, you find yourself being able to cover that same distance but taking 18 minutes instead. That achievement then leads you to want to better your timing and keep attaining personal bests.

In a way, that is what ED is asking me to do albeit in a very twisted way. Oh and it is so very very cunning. I realised that from the start of my holiday to the end, ED had gradually been trying to make me achieve my own personal bests in terms of the amount of food I eat, with each week showing a small decrease. Of course, it didn’t seem like much but reflecting on it now, in the long run, it will amount to a lot. Thankfully, I did not cut my portion size like mad but had I stayed on for longer, that could have very well been the case. The thing is, my personal bests should instead be about increasing my food intake rather than lower it. How stupid of me to have let ED get a grip of the competitive side of me and twist it to its advantage.

Talking with Dad helped me to make some sense of the situation I was fast falling back into and I am glad that I am still able to think rationally enough to know that this path is not one that I want to take. Henceforth, I will be putting myself back on track. I mentioned not long ago that the fight now is more on the issue of control rather than the fear of being fat which is why I so believe now that giving up this sense of control is what’s vital for me this moment. Being able to understand yet another trick of ED has enabled me to at least build up a defence against future attacks. It will take a while for my protective wall to get strong enough so I know that there will be days when that defence may crumble a little at the stones ED throws at me. However, I am prepared and I will make sure, together with my support network, that I have the necessary equipment to rebuild and reinforce it each time.

I know that Mum and Dad are already proud of the fact that I have managed to eat all my meals and snacks without anyone having to egg me on while in the UK. That is step 1 conquered. Now, it’s time for me to manage portions and choose foods that are not always safe when I am alone. This shall be my current challenge but I think… I think I’m ready. =)

Now I’m off to savour my dear Mr. Bean biscuits that Mum and Dad got for me before I came out of Arrivals!

One green tea and one salty bean biscuit! They just changed their paper bags in lieu with National Day coming up next month which also means… OMG! I’m turning 22 in a month and a bit’s time!! HELP MEEEEEEEEE… What happened to being forever 21?!?!

.: day 83 :.

One thing that always helps me to get back on track in recovery when I start to stray a little and lose focus from my goal is this article:

Genes Take Charge, and Diets Fall by the Wayside – New York Times

I read this from time to time just to remind myself that we are each unique and that our bodies are so wonderfully customised with their own special mechanisms that when we try to manipulate our weight such that it swings away from its natural ‘point’, then our body will send signals to our brain to alert us that things are going a little awry. For those of you who want to pass on the article, I shall briefly summarise it.

In a nutshell, this article discusses how individuals all have a weight range that their bodies are comfortable with and “Going much above or much below the natural weight range is difficult, however; the body resists by increasing or decreasing the appetite and changing the metabolism to push the weight back to the range it seeks.” Of course, genes play a part too but ultimately, our bodies are so wonderful that they are able to regulate our body weights such that it hovers around a relatively fixed point. So really, our bodies know the weight at which we look our best and feel our best, so I take comfort in knowing that when I am healthy, my body will tell me so – something a weighing scale has no ability to do.

Breakfast: Cereal with Milk

I had my special muesli-granola mix for breakfast today, eaten simply with milk. Totally yummy with a mix of oat flakes and granola crunchies. What I’ve been doing is buying a bag of Knusper Muesli and Knusper Crunch, and mixing them together in a container. I prefer them combined instead of eating them separately because granola can sometimes be too sweet and muesli, too bland. Maybe most of you mix your cereals as well but I’m quite new to this. I only started doing this a few months back so I get really excited over yummy combinations that I happen to be able to toss together.

I went to Wheelock to do my eyebrows and upper lip today! Yes, I thread my upper lip too!! When you have had ED, there is a tendency for fur-like hair called laguno to grow in all sort of places – namely the back, arms, legs, and face in order to act as a form of insulation. It doesn’t actually work but that’s our body for you. Anyway, I still have some fuzz and obviously some on my upper lip so I had to get that off to make sure no one mistakes me for a man. Lol…

Ah fine! I admit. I had upper lip hair, albeit very very VERY fine, before I was down with ED but still, it’s not something I’m that proud of. Although, my arms are generally smooth, almost hairless in fact. Which makes me wonder, why is it that women are always expected to be hair-free except for our crowning glory?! What’s wrong with hair?! It’s natural, it’s God-given, and we obviously have it for a reason! Hairiness equates to masculinity is yet another social construct created in order to make gender differences more clearly defined I feel. Why can’t men be the ones subscribing to waxing and women be the ones to keep their underarm hair and leg hair? Just a random thought… x)

I had some time to myself after my threading session which I really enjoyed. I’m started to enjoy spending time with myself now instead of constantly leaning on Mum and Dad to be around with me. There are things that I notice are changing for me and coming back to me once more. Things like the desire to socialise, to be with friends, to meet friends, to lunch with friends, to spend time alone, to be a friend to myself, to pamper myself… I am having more and more days of smiling, laughing and fewer days of blackness, isolation.

With anorexia, I felt like a caged bird, eager to spread its wings but not being able to. Now, I feel like that door to freedom is halfway open and I have the choice of flying free or staying in the safe confines of the world I have become familiar with. There is apprehension, there is fear, but I know that I do not want to spend the rest of my life wondering what lies beyond these bars. I don’t want to hear others tell me about how wonderful life is. I want to be able to experience it for myself. I’m still shakey though, but I remember how my flute tutor used to tell me: “Practice makes perfect; perfect practice makes success”. With that thought in mind, I will succeed. =)

Lunch: Prawn Noodles from Wah Kee Big Prawn Noodles

I met Mum and Dad for lunch at Pek Kio Food Centre’s Wah Kee Big Prawn Noodles although we didn’t order their Big Prawn Noodles. Rather, we ordered their small prawn noodles. Hehe. We each had a $3 bowl which came with 5 half slices of prawns.

I chose to have bee hoon as my form of carbohydrates and it was actually cooked such that there was still a slight bite retained. The broth was robust and full of prawny goodness and the prawns were really fresh. I would have liked more beansprouts actually but this bowl of prawn noodles really packed a punch. Uncle takes his time to whip up one bowl at a time so you can be sure that your noodles will be served piping hot.

ED acted up a little during lunch and although I say that my ED thoughts are getting less, they do pop up still, I guess mainly because it knows that its time is almost up and it is afraid of abandonment. I gave in… a little. And I’m not proud of it.

Tea: Assorted Japanese Tidbits

We finished Dad’s packet of Almond Cheese Crackers so we bought a new pack, but this time, with an assortment of the Japanese Crackers. I had one of each kind along with 2 pieces of the thin wafers with chocolate cream.

Among the three crackers – Seaweed Cheese, Cheese Sandwich and Almond Cheese, I think…. I think I like all of them. Hehe. They are actually essentially the same since their main components are cheese and rice crackers so really, as long as you like cheese with rice crackers, you’ll like all three. B-b-but I must admit that almond cheese rocks purely beause of the almond on top. Nuts are super awesome which is why I consistently save my almonds for last so that its flavour is what stays in my mouth after everything else is in my tummy!

My appointment with V today went really well. I still haven’t managed to not cry since I don’t know how many sessions ago. Before, I used to go to the room with her and go through the motions of acting like I wanted to get well just for the sake of it, just to get her off my back to put it crudely. But in the last few months, I realised that when I listen, truly listen to her and heed her advice, I am able to draw strength and greater motivation to work towards recovery. I guess the difference between then and now is that I WANT to get well. Not half-heartedly, but whole-heartedly. Even though there are times where I feel so tired and sick of having to take food as my medication, I always remember what V said to me when I started back at Uni last sem – “Mealtimes are non-negotiable.” That line has stuck with me and is usually what helps me to stay focused and do what I have to do.

Today, talking to her, memories of old that had been buried deep in the recesses of my mind were suddenly brought to light. I forgot that they were even there. I forgot that they even affected me. Comments made by children to me as a child… Hurtful words, covered up pain. I kept all the negativity inside of me and allowed it to fester, not realising that without an avenue for release, all that darkness was in fact eating me up. I cried. And then I felt lighter, better, happier kind of – like a burden had been lifted.

Dinner: Thunder Tea Rice

The session with V went so well that when Mum, Dad and I went for dinner straight after my appointment, I had managed to reorganise my thoughts and refocus on what it is I want. I had my full bowl of Thunder Tea Rice and it was good!

Nightcap: Beancurd Tart from L.E. Cafe

We finally managed to get hold of the Mixed Beancurd Tarts from L.E. Cafe today! They have 6 different flavours – Peanut, Red Bean, Gingko Nuts with White Fungus, Grass Jelly, Longan and Egg White.

Dad had the gingko nuts with white fungus which he liked and said tasted just like beancurd with gingko. Uhm.. I guess that’s to be expected. Lol. Mum also enjoyed her longan beancurd tart which she happily devoured without much comment apart from ‘It’s nice!’.

I went for the grass jelly beancurd tart which was just like eating the more solid version of yin/yang – grass jelly with soya bean milk. The filling is a lot lighter than the custard in egg tarts and a whole lot more refreshing too!

Egg tarts have the tendency to make me feel very heaty and can be overwhelmingly sweet, but these beancurd tarts are simply divine and more mild in taste. And after neglecting my penchant for tarts in weeks!!, these tart crusts were wonderfully crunchy and biscuity. No disappointment here whatsoever!

I did some reflection today and have come to this conclusion. When I was anorexic, I used to think it made me special. Now, I use the past tense ‘was’ because as I have mentioned before, I no longer see myself as anorexic, but rather, ‘in remission’ from anorexia because I feel that holding on to that clinical term will serve me no good. I am not anorexic because I choose not to be anorexic and I feel that this train of thought is vital in my recovery because the disassociation ensures that I no longer try to find a sense of uniqueness by differentiating myself from ‘normal’ people through this illness. Anyway, as I was saying…

I used to think that anorexia made me special but as I thought about it, anorexia actually made me even more alike to every other anorexic that walks this Earth. I realise that our thoughts, our actions – they are almost so identical that it’s scary. And as I had my evening stroll with Mum, it dawned on me that I was more distinctive and one-of-a-kind when I was healthy. In other words, I was more special. How cruel it is for ED to have brain-washed me into thinking myself more superior than others just by allowing it to enter my life and devour my physical and psychological being! How foolish of me to have believed that having less of me would mean more happiness! My little moment of revelation has enabled me to uncover the truths that ED has so carefully stashed away from sight, but just as every lie is eventually found out, I’m glad I managed to uncover ED’s and with this piece of all-important knowledge, I’m going to make sure that ED does not get away with it.

I am so going to kick its arse really bad.. x)

.: day 75 :.

Today was really not really a spectacular day, nor was it a great day, nor was it a really good day. But I praise God for seeing Mum, Dad and I through it and once again, providing us with more lessons in relation to handling ED.

Breakfast: Nature’s Path’s Hot Apple Cinnamon Oats

Breakfast was nice and filling – Apple Cinnamon Oats. I’d have preferred the apples to be in larger chunks for more bite but it was good still, together with the cinnamon.

I managed to have a short swim with Dad which felt wonderful since I have hardly worked my muscles for months already. You saw that right! – Muscles!! x) But we didn’t push ourselves much having not swam for a while already but then, exercising is meant to be for leisure and I truly enjoyed myself. The water was perfect and the weather was just nice. Just relaxing as I swam allowed me to have some alone time just to think to myself and reflect upon all the things that have been going on so far.

Just before Mum, Dad and I left the house for Mum and I to go for lunch, followed by a visit to the hair salon, Mum suggested changing the venue from Cedele All Day Dining at Wheelock to Cedele Bakery Depot at Novena which kind of upset me because the sudden surprise threw my mind into a frenzy. ED started trying to weigh the options of which place served food with more calories, or more scary items or more fat.

Upon realising what had happened, Mum quickly reverted back to the original plan but it was a little too late because ED had started constructing ideas in my head. I felt so frustrated and angry at what had happened that after Dad dropped Mum and I off at Ang Mo Kio station, I got off at Novena even though Mum already had the intention of eating at Wheelock already. I didn’t really want to have lunch at Cedele Bakery Depot but ED convinced me that it was safer.

Excuses excuses. It told me that IF Cedele had the Walnut Bap available, I would be allowed to order the Smoked Salmon with Dill Sandwich. But obviously, it lied to me.

Lunch: Moroccan Spiced Carrot Soup from Cedele with 3 slices of bread and Cheese Pancake from Mr. Bean

I ordered the Moroccan Spiced Carrot Soup which really wasn’t what I wanted and I ended up not liking the soup. Perhaps it was because it was ED that told me to have it, perhaps it was because of the overwhelming tangy sourness, but I had a few spoonfuls of it and a small slice of bread out of the 3 I took, and left it alone. I refused to have another bite even though Mum practically ordered me to finish it off. And I guess sitting there in awkward discomfort after a tiff between Mum and I made my appetite disappear. It felt as if my stomach had completely closed up. Have you ever had that? You know, felt so terrible after something has happened that it is almost as if your stomach has entirely clenched up? I usually get that when I get into arguments with people close to me…

I followed Mum after she walked out of Cedele in a huff immediately after she had finished her sandwich, but upon reaching Orchard station, I turned back and went to Ang Mo Kio in search of Dad. Dad had spoken to Mum while I was training back and he made me have something extra to eat even though I hated the idea of it. Or ED hated the idea of it rather. Reluctantly, I chose the Cheese Pancake from Mr. Bean as a ‘top-up’ and I know that Dad could have made me eat something more substantial if he had wanted to.

I ended up crying while eating the pancake, partly because I felt so angry with what had happened and partly because I felt so horrible for having to eat the pancake despite having had some of the soup. On hindsight, I realise how stupid it all was because really, the pancake isn’t much at all and there I was allowing ED climb all over me. It once again goes to show how ED constantly tries to drive a wedge between my loved ones and myself in order to pry me away from them. I can see that now but when my ED thoughts are strong, I get totally blinded and it thrusts me into a world where only ED and Natalie exist.

After ‘lunch’, I felt really depressed and probably scared Dad with my incessant tears. I guess ED knows that it is now having to fight to stay in my life and it really is fighting hard. Now that I aim to get past this weight hurdle instead of retract back, it is struggling to gain the upper hand and as I cried, I managed to get it out of me and admit to Dad that I am scared – Scared of losing control, scared of never being able to stop gaining weight, scared of becoming overweight, scared of carrying on in my recovery. It is almost as if ED allows me to reach this one point on the ‘weight’ scale and once I reach it, it starts telling me that I’ve done enough and I can now fall back. But I know I can’t, not this time, not anymore.

Tea: Mr. Bean Biscuits

While I was at Mr. Bean, I did manage to convince myself to get Mr. Bean biscuits for tea instead of sticking to the ’safe’ Japanese and Malaysian tidbits. I had my usual order of one green tea biscuit and one salty bean biscuit. =)

Dinner: Thunder Tea Rice from Amoy Street Food Centre

I managed to carry on and have a good dinner, which I really enjoyed and wasn’t too challenging to finish.

Dessert: Hazelnut Royaltine from Checker’s Deli

And I managed to carry on and try to make up for what happened over lunch time by persisting in having the Hazelnut Royaltine from Checker’s Deli which as usual, was shared with Dad. I had initially wanted to stick to the tidbits for afternoon tea and have Mr. Bean’s biscuits for night time but in my heart, I knew I wanted to try this particular cake from Checker’s. And I did. And it was good.

The chocolate mousse layer at the top was rich and smooth, yet not cloying, and the hazelnut praline was a good 1.5cm thick which provided a satisfying crunch with each bite. Definitely better than Le Royale in the ‘crunch’ factor and the strong nutty flavour was not compromised either. My only qualm about the Hazelnut Royaltine was the sponge which I felt was a tad dry.

Mum had a Coffee Macaron from Checker’s Deli as well but I’m not a good judge Macarons especially since my taste of Mum’s just now was really my first ever. It was rather light, a little chewy and rather sweet. You’ll probably have to try it youself to determine how good it is though. Hehe.

So it was quite a dramatic day today but God managed to see Mum, Dad and I through it, He always does. I know that the climb for me right now is only going to get much steeper as I try to get past this phase and I am trying to keep the faith. I keep in mind the many girls I have seen who have been able to recover and who are living life to the fullest now. I understand that from time to time, they still get struck with ED thoughts but being strong enough to detach themselves from ED, they are also able to get past the random ED flashes. I admire them and soon, I hope to be one of them. June tells me that I still have some way to go but really, I feel like I am fast approaching my healthy weight. It is incredibly difficult trying to get my head around it and be happy to be honest, but I know that the very fact that I am still here, means that I am still fighting. I still believe that recovery for me is possible and I am not going to let ED hinder me from attaining my goal, my want for a healthy life, mind and body.

I know that I will keep making slips from time to time, but I know that this is part and parcel of recovery. The main thing is that I manage to pull myself together and trudge on. What happened today was not desirable, but I just want to make known that recovery is indeed tough and to be able to stay on track is the hardest thing ever. Again, I know that this will have to be noted in my book of ‘Lessons Learnt’ so that I will be better equipped to deal with ED attacks when they do pop up. Similarly, I know that some of you may face similar situations as I did today and I just want to tell you not to lose hope. Mistakes are bound to happen but each time we pick ourselves up, we end up being that extra bit stronger. I am really really scared right now but I am thankful knowing that God has not and will not abandon me. He will give me strength to keep progressing, and He will give Mum and Dad strength to keep supporting me.

Failing is not about falling, it is about not getting up again.

I may fall, and fall again, but I promise you, I will get up again and again until I succeed.

.: day 63 :.

Over the last two weeks just about, I have actually started realising something – I have started to lose my obsession for food! I know that it must be a good thing because I remember Vivien always telling me that if I am constantly thinking of food, it means that my mind is still screaming for it. The ED team have mentioned before that the reason why I crave is because I refuse to listen to body and its requirements. So usually whenever I restrict, carbs fly out the window and as a result, when I start to eat again, all I feel like eating are breads, cakes, pastries, rice, noodles and sweet stuff. As an anorexic, I would hoard recipes from all over the internet, copy them down meticulously or print them out, I would watch Discovery Travel and Living for all the food shows be it cooking ones or tasting ones, and I would walk straight to the snacks section in the supermarket to gaze at all the food while convincing myself that I really did not want them.

Recently though, I no longer find myself craving for much. Sure, I enjoy good food and I enjoy the thought of eating good food but the obsessing is hardly ever there anymore. I no longer crave like mad for waffles as I found out this morning, and I can now waltz through the supermarket without having to have so much as a glimpse of the tidbits section. I find myself talking about things other than food at the dinner table and I hardly even bother with TV anymore. I guess this is yet another stage of recovery that I have managed to reach and I know that as food starts to occupy my mind less and less, it means that I have to start being able to deal with the realistic ups and downs of life because I can no longer use food to take my mind off situations that scare me.

You see, food for me became a form of escapism because as I starved my body, all I could think about every minute of every hour of every day was food, thus leaving no room for anything else. No more using food to ’solve’ my problems, no more using food to run away, no more using food, or the lack of, to destroy my body. I know now that part of living, is to be able to deal with problems head on, because not eating will not make life’s difficulties disappear.

Nat, it’s time to grow up.

Breakfast: 1/2 Butter(!) Waffle and 1/2 Chocolate Waffle at Housemen Corner

Due to my desire to have waffles since missing out on having them on Thursday when I had my appointments, Dad and I headed down to SGH this morning for breakfast. We decided to share a butter waffle since I have been avoiding it and it was also the last kind of spread we have not tried, and we also had a chocolate waffle.

They spread quite a bit of butter on the waffle which really intimidated me so I did the ED thing and dabbed some of the excess off. BUT I still ate it and it really wasn’t too bad. The butter was slightly salty, which balanced out the sweet, pandan flavoured waffle and it wasn’t too overwhelming either. I still love my peanut butter though!!

The chocolate waffle was super as usual. Creamy chocolate on a waffle can never disappoint! But between the chocolate and peanut butter waffle, I would stick to the latter because waffles and peanut butter are like a personal match made in heaven by God. Chocolate is more like the maid-of-honour – gorgeous but never really able to match up with the bride. Then again, it all depends on preference and perhaps, what you happen to feel like having. Want to satisfy your sweet tooth? Chocolate. Want something more savoury? Peanut butter. Or, you can even go for both! x)

Dad and I went for a walk around Botanic Gardens after breakfast and we managed to reach the Evolution Garden today. It was actually quite fascinating if you are interested in how the world began from nothingness to growing ferns to producing flowers etc etc etc.

I’m not really a plant person but it was pretty cool. They also had some fossilised trees and stuff which looked really interesting, a little weird but interesting.

We then went to Suntec to look for a good set of rollarblades because I am about to reach target weight #1 where I get to start exercising a little. Didn’t really see anything that looked pretty enough but I asked V who used to coach kids in how to rollarblade about where to buy a nice pair, so perhaps I’ll go look around some more next week.

Lunch: Fish Soup with Rice at Han Kee

Lunch was at Amoy Street Food Centre where we had the last item of my ‘to-eat in Amoy Steet FC’ list. Hehe. Of course, I may add on more stalls if I hear good reviews about them but as of today, everything’s been striked off. Dad and I had Fish Soup ($4) with a bowl of rice ($0.30) from Han Kee although just about two rows down from them is another fish soup stall called Piao Ji which I hear serves great fish soup too, but at a hefty price of $5 minimum.

Han Kee’s fish soup was pretty on par with Rui Ji’s at Market Street Food Centre, with their generous portion of big, thick slices of batang (mackerel) fish which were so fresh and beautifully cooked. The only difference is that Han Kee’s soup, while sweet, very light and clear, was not as light nor as clear as Rui Ji’s. It had a fuller taste with more body from the hours and hours of boiling fish bones. They did not stinge on vegetables either, hence, the soup came with lots of lettuce and coriander, and a little scoop of fried garlic for garnishing. Definitely somewhere I would want to return to for fish soup and the best time to go is on Saturdays I believe, when the lunch crowd is non-existent.

Han Kee only opens from 10am to 3pm so if you go on a weekday, it would probably be best to go before lunch or after lunch. However, I must say that the aunty who collects the orders and the uncle who cooks inside are very systematic and as a result, for Dad and I at least, we managed to get our piping hot bowls of soup and rice very promptly.

Tea: Cheng Tng from Dove Desserts

After hearing some good things about Dove Desserts’ Cheng Tng, I decided to have some for teatime since I have not really got round to eating too many of our local sweet soups so far. I’m not one to really eat a lot of sweet soups but I thought that the cheng tng would be a nice change from the usual.

Actually, Dove Desserts is supposed to be even more famous for their Chendol but bringing it home to eat wouldn’t be too ideal now would it and I’m hardly a fan of chendol. But I just thought I’d let you know this little nugget of information so that you can try it if you do feel like a cold dessert if you happen to be around Toa Payoh Blk 22.

This cheng tng was nicely sweet and contained a whole lot of different ingredients. There were gingko nuts, dried persimmon slices, longans, barley and little balls of konyaku jelly. Now, I’m no good judge of cheng tng seeing that my experience has mainly been limited to Mama’s homemade cheng tng but I thought that this was extremely pleasing to my tastebuds. And it was made all the more pleasing by its price of $1 per bowl, although we had to pay an additional $0.20 to have it taken away.

Dinner: Buffet Dinner at Uncle Daya’s

We had dinner at Uncle Daya’s in lieu with his son’s second birthday and I had my first buffet dinner!!

So how did I cope?

Well, for the first time in a while now, I had absolutely no idea what my meal was going to be like and it was quite frightening actually. Mum offered yesterday to have dinner out with me if I was not comfortable about the birthday party but after some thought, I decided that it would be a nice challenge.

I promise it tasted better than it looked. x)

My tactic was to take just a plate of food that would be enough for me, an amount that I would usually have at home. The spread was made up largely of Indian food and I had a little of almost everything apart from the samosas and kebabs. I took a little of Uncle Daya’s homemade South African briyani rice, a bit of mutton curry, a bit of vegetable curry, a piece of chicken from the chicken curry, shared a piece of fish from the fish curry courtesy of Aunty Usha and 2 pieces of naan bread. I found the naan bread too chewy to eat so I gave up after the 1st piece.

Overall, the food was pretty average, quite the usual catered fare apart from the two dishes that were homemade. I was actually thinking of briyani rice this afternoon and was rather pleased to know that Uncle Daya had prepared his famous briyani rice. However, I’m more used to the dry briyani made of up individual grains, and found Uncle Daya’s version too moist, and lacking a little in flavour for my liking. But hey! You have to commend a man who can cook eh?

I know I kind of skimped on the carbs which I found to be rather daunting, especially with all the curries but I am glad I managed to make it through the evening and actually enjoy myself. It was a whole 180 degrees turn from last year when I remember being at Uncle Daya’s and after eating, I had visited the toilet to try and empty out my stomach. I cannot believe it has been a year already but as I look back to that time and compare it to today, it relieves me to know that I am no longer stuck in that state and that I can make myself eat at catered buffets. Yes, I still have some work to do in eating proper carb portions at these events, I am aware of that but I believe that today was a pretty good start.

Supper: Chocolate Mango Chiffon Cake from Little Jerry’s Cookies

We dropped by Ang Mo Kio Hub to buy Chocolate Mango Chiffon Cake from Little Jerry’s Cookies – one slice for each of us at $1.50 a slice which I think it rather steep. I had the intention of trying their Chocolate Pandan Cake said to be one of the best in Singapore but by the time we reached, the kiosk was closing up. But thankfully, they were still willing to entertain us while earning a little extra dosh. The chocolate pandan cake had sold out by then, so we had to make do with the chocolate mango.

The slice of cake was rather large actually but still, I do not think chiffon cakes should be worth that much. At first bite, it was much heavier than Bengawan Solo’s pandan cake and texturally, it tended slightly towards the coarse side. The mango flavour was almost undetectable and the aromatic chocolate was not that much stronger either. However, as I carried on through the slice of chiffon cake, the flavours started to intensify and it became more and more satisfying and increasingly moist. Overall, I would say that Little Jerry’s cake was pretty good if I happen to pass by this stall, I won’t mind giving the Chocolate Pandan Cake a go, although I would not say that my curiosity for it is that intense.

I’ve actually been feeling increasingly huge lately and the going is getting more and more difficult. At the same time, I now find meal times so enjoyable and so essential that I can no longer imagine even missing a meal, not that I want to. =) I know such feelings will pass but I guess I am trying to get used to the fleshier me right now. It is kind of weird to suddenly be able to sit on my butt and not feel discomfort from the bones against the hard floor or chair. I’m getting used to having a butt again, to having shaplier arms and legs, a fuller face but nope, chest is still pretty much refusing to develop at the moment but I suppose I will have to trust in the saying: Good things come to those who wait. So I shall continue to wait and anticipate that ‘bonus’ instalment of my entry back into womanhood. One thing I must say though is that I am feeling so much happier, so much freer and despite these ‘fat’ feelings I get, my ability to rationalise has increased by leaps and bounds in the past few weeks and hence, I am able to reason with myself and understand that the changes my body are undergoing are normal, that I am on the way to being a healthy, special individual who has the world eagerly waiting my arrival back into reality. Living has never felt so good!

.: day 62 :.

One thing about me: I have too much pride.

It is one thing to have pride, and another to have too much pride. I have too much pride. Yesterday, I mentioned about a friend of mine triggering me kind of and I am glad that we managed to clear the issue up because at the end of the day, she is someone dear to me.

What does this have to do with pride?

Well, while I meant to drop her a message to talk about how I felt, I did not. I did not want to say anything rash because I know that I was feeling rather upset about the whole situation, and I know that sometimes I speak without thinking which may only serve to aggravate the problem. But then again, maybe that was escapism. Maybe I was trying to escape from dealing with what was bothering me because I was afraid that things may turn ugly. I always imagine confrontations as dark, uncertain, scary. And yes, I was too proud in believing that I was right in the way that I thought and failed to try and view the situation from a different perspective.

I guess you can say that the ED, and recovering from ED, has made me self-indulgent. I was thinking only of myself when I felt upset about the whole dinner arrangement. I was thinking only of my own welfare in getting better. Rightly so perhaps. But I ended up forgetting that real people have real problems too and that their days are not always littered with rose petals and glorious wind blowing through their hair. And therefore, I want to say right here to a friend, a close friend, a best friend, a sister: I am sorry.

To you:
Yes, I still believe that a good friend supports a friend battling an eating disorder by not just listening, comforting but also doing. You have listened, you have comforted, so much more that I ever have. And when I felt that you did not ‘do’, I chose not to go up to you and let you know how I felt. Instead, I allowed myself to create reasons as to why you were unable to support me through your actions, not giving you the opportunity to provide me with an explanation. For that, I am sorry. Babe, you have been the bestest friend to me for the past 8 years and I am thankful to God to have blessed me with someone as beautiful as you. So yeah, I pray for you that whatever difficulties you are facing yourself will be resolved. Remember, you will always have me to lean on, just as you have always been a pillar of support to me. I promise!

On a brighter note, Jenny from Uni called me because they want me for another Uni publicity photoshoot. I always hate how I turn out in their photoshoots but hopefully I get a nicer goodie bag this time! Or money! But I am glad that they think I look presentable enough to be a face of NUS and photoshoots are usually pretty fun – at least it was the one or two times I did it. Lol.

Breakfast: Carrot Cake from Chey Sua Carrot Cake and a Butterfly Bun with Soya Bean Milk

We went to Blk 127 Toa Payoh Food Centre this morning to try the famous Chey Sua Carrot Cake. The trend for most stalls seems to be that of self-service, but not Chey Sua. So even though it appeared as if there was no queue whatsoever, we had to wait about 15-20 minutes before our plate of hot, sizzling carrot cake was brought to our table.

While we waited, I had a butterfly bun with a cup of hot soya bean milk. The butterfly bun was bought at the stall right next to the Teochew Handmade Pau stall and they also sell the usual hum jin pang and you tiao.

The butterfly bun was fresh and well (deep-) fried so that it was nice, crispy and crunchy. And the sesame seeds on top brought out the sweetness even more. I dipped some into my soya bean milk but it isn’t the same as using you tiao to dip. It was deliciously good but as I ate, I started contemplating skipping out on the carrot cake which Mum, Dad and I were going to share because of all the fried-ness. But somehow, all of your prayers must have led God in moving me to allow myself an enjoyable breakfast and not be so fixated on oil and fried-ness and calories.

So eat I did. The carrot cake was a tad oily but the crisp coating of egg with the fluffy, soft inside was too awesome to miss out on. The chilli was cooked along with the carrot cake such that it was not too in-your-face but definitely present with just the right amount of heat. Despite the many orders that the aunty had to cater to, she remained so calm and collected as she whipped up plate after plate of her fantastically nationally reknown carrot cake. The wait was tolerable and so worth it. Even the intimidating oiliness that gleamed at me in glee was worth consuming. Anyway, as June told me yesterday, oil = shiny hair + insulation + menstruation + better absorption of Vit. A, D, E & K(?). Very important indeed!

After the relatively heavy breakfast, Mum decided to come home while Dad and I went off to MacRitchie for a walk. We took a different route today, walking through the forest first before reaching the boardwalk and looping back which was just as well because the morning sun was pretty strong. About 25m to the end of the boardwalk, I swear I almost got killed!! By a monitor lizard!!!!

What happened was, Dad spotted a huge monitor lizard cooling down in the water just by the boardwalk. By huge I really mean about 2m in length. So I quickly pulled out my camera, risking my life to take a picture of the ugly looking thing just for all of you! I took one picture and walked a little closer to take another snap when I heard it hissing.

Death by Monitor Lizard?

I didn’t think anything of it since it was below me and then just as I was going to click my camera, “Wham!”, the monitor lizard swung its tail and only missed me because its tail ended up whacking the wooden board. I got such a shock I let out a horrible sounding shout of a scream. Haha. I must have sounded like a man because Dad started chuckling away. Yes! I almost got tail-whacked by a giant reptile and all Dad could do was chuckle away while exclaiming how in awe he was that the lizard was so accurate in its aiming that it would have definitely hit me if not for the platform.

Lunch: Mee Sua with Prawn Wantons and Chinese Cabbage

Lunch was a simple bowl of mee sua with CP Prawn Wantons and sweet Chinese Cabbage. And 2 slices of pork liver from Mum which I only had because it has iron, but really, pork liver, or liver in general, is really not my cup of tea. The mee sua was cooked just right – soft and easy to bite but not soft enough to break apart upon being lifted out of the soup. And CP prawn wantons are seriously good stuff! They use whole, large prawns that are crunchy and preservative-free. Great to throw into a bowl of soup or instant noodles.

And the best thing about this wholesome lunch was that all Mum did for the light, clear, sweet soup was boil the cabbage and wantons inside of it with just a pinch of salt.

Tea: Kiwi Yoghurt

I know this looks quite like mush which it almost actually is. Since we have kiwi in the fridge, I decided to have kiwi with yoghurt. And then I thought that I could be smart and blend part of the kiwi into the yoghurt and keep about a quarter to cut into chunks. Hence, the weird green colour of the yoghurt. Somehow, yoghurt looks so much prettier pink or yellow when strawberries or mangoes are used instead.

My verdict? It was weird. The kiwi was not really sweet, but then, it wasn’t actually sour either. It just did not blend too well with the yoghurt and even the kiwi chunks did not really make up for taste. I think next time I’ll just make a smoothie with either papaya, dragonfruit, mango or banana. I used to make them before and they would taste so good, so refreshing especially when the fruits were sweet but nowadays, I feel so lazy having to get the blender out and then washing it after all that blending. Nah, I have to stop this laziness. Hehe. Need to buy some fresh, sweet, juicy fruits soon! Apart from the above fruits mentioned, do any of you have any ideas for making great smoothies??

Dinner: Thunder Tea Rice at Amoy Street Food Centre

No need for words here! x)

Dessert: American Cheesecake and Walnut Cheesecake from Checker’s Deli

Goodness! No wonder Checker’s American Cheesecake was placed in The Straits Times’ top 50 cakes in Singapore last year.

The American cheesecake was absolutely divine. Smooth and creamy, light on the lemon with a shortbread biscuit base. The best I have tried so far.

Just like the American cheesecake, the Walnut Cheesecake was neither cloying nor too heavy. The walnut cheesecake was delicately infused with maple syrup and had chopped walnuts embedded in the cheesecake. Although the American and the walnut cheesecakes were essentially cheesecakes, they were both very different in terms of the flavours they emitted. This is the first walnut cheesecake I have ever tried and it did not disappoint.

Mum, Dad and I shared the two cheesecakes by splitting them into 3 slices each which may explain why I did not think the cakes were too heavy. x) After Dad had his share, he was already talking about trying some of Checkers Deli’s other variety of cheesecakes and cakes in general. I heard that their Hazelnut Royaltine is divine too and when I saw it just now, there was a really thick layer of crunchiness which I love! Oh! And coming from Dad who does not have a natural sweet-tooth, it obviously means that the cheesecakes had some standard. Priced at $7 .80 a slice, Dad thought that both cheesecakes were worth every cent.

And now.. it is time for……………………

My Food Meme! – I only learned what a Food Meme was yesterday when Orb suggested doing one and since my day has been pretty free, I came online and looked up a rather simple food meme to answer so that all of you can get to know my food likes and dislikes a little more.

1. How do you like your eggs?
Poached, Over-easy or half-boiled. I love runny yolks!

2. How do you take your coffee/tea?
I’m not much of a coffee or tea person. I took Nescafe Mocha coffee once and ended up with heart palpitations that even scared Mum. Lol. I don’t mind crysanthemum tea and English tea is alright too although I tend to find it a bit bland. I used to drink tea with heaps of sugar when I was like, 8 but I haven’t touched English tea or coffee in years not out of fear but almost as a lifestyle choice. Lol. You know, so that my teeth don’t get stained and stuff. =x

3. Favorite breakfast food:
Kaya toast with soft-boiled eggs and horlicks or Tanglin Halt’s Peanut Min Jiang Kueh if I’m going local.
Eggs florentine or a lightly buttered toasted bagel if I’m going western.
Oats, toast or muesli cereal yoghurt if I’m at home.

4. Peanut butter – Crunchy or smooth?:
Has to be crunchy peanut butter with aromatic, fragrant peanuts!

5. What kind of dressing on your salad?
I like my salads naked. Although I had this fruity dressing once at Doc. Greens which I thought was rather nice.

6. Coke or Pepsi?
Neither. I hate fizzy drinks because of the way they scratch my throat and how they leave me burping the kind of burps that seem to come out of my nose too. Have you ever had that??
7. You’re feeling lazy, what do you make?
I grab a nut bar. Lol. Which I cannot do now so I would go for a simple sandwich or I throw vegetables into a baking tray, sprinkle some salt and pepper and a drizzle of olive oil, and roast them until soft and so incredibly sweet!

8. You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order?
I don’t have to be lazy to order this actually because I usually go for magherita with mushrooms pizza. Yum!

9. You feel like cooking. What do you make?
Eefu Noodles, Spaghetti/Pasta

10. Do any foods bring back good memories?
Teochew porridge makes me think of Ah Gong because he used to eat it for lunch almost every day without fail.
Pork porridge makes me think of Grandma because it is so comforting especially when it’s winter in the UK. I used to eat bowl after bowl of this!
Olive rice makes me think of Mum because she is superb at making it.
Spaghetti makes me think of Dad because he used to go on about how he used to make spaghetti in his Uni days and it was goooood.
Katsu don makes me think of Kor because he never fails to order this on most occasions when we go for Japanese food. And he tried to make it once in UK for us for dinner and the sauce and egg were great but the pork fillet was not cooked through and we ended up having to throw it away. Lol.

11. Do any foods bring back bad memories?
Sea cucumber. I remember going to my then-boyfriend’s home for dinner one day and having a big piece of sea cucumber placed into my bowl. I was gagging as I ate that I ended up swallowing the gooey, slimey yuckiness without chewing. And then when I was done, his lovely Mum placed another in my bowl. Imagine my horror!

12. Do any foods remind you of someone?
Yup. See 10.

13. Is there a food you refuse to eat?
Bittergourd! I mean, I’m ok about eating it I guess but only just the one piece. But sea cucumber I will definitely not touch ever, EVER again!

14. What was your favorite food as a child?
I remember being crazy about bread with butter and sugar. I could eat slice after slice without even caring about stupid things like weight. The salty butter with the crunchy granules of sweet sugar on white Gardenia bread…

15. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now like?
Brinjal/Eggplant/Aubergine – whatever you want to call it. And Lady’s fingers!! I don’t just like them. I love them!

16. Is there a food that you liked as a child but now hate?
At one time, carrots. But then I got over it and now I like them again.

17. Favorite fruit and vegetable:
Fruit: Dragonfruit, Mangoes but only if they are sweet
Vegetables: Pumpkin, Spinach, Mushrooms

18. Favorite junk food:
Are Mr. Bean biscuits counted as junk? o.O Salty tau sar piah? Tart crusts? Subway cookies…

19. Favorite between meal snack:
Mr. Bean biscuits, tart crusts but obviously they come with fillings, toasted nuts although I haven’t had them in a while.

20. Do you have any weird food habits?
I like to cut my Mr. Bean biscuits, cakes and all things that I would like to savour into two where one half would be slightly bigger than the other. Then I will eat the smaller half first, before moving onto the bigger half, savouring every morsel by eating them in really tiny bites. And then finally, when there is only a proper mouthful left, I pop it all into my mouth and enjoy the final burst of flavours in one go.
21. You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on?
Alpen light bars. Lol.

22. You’re off your diet. Now what would you like?
Everything! Hawker food, Chinese, Indian, Thai, Western, Cheesy foods, Sweet treats, Carbs!

23. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai?
Spicy but then Mum usually asks for ‘Less Spicy’ when we go for Thai so then there’s hardly any oomph.

24. Can I get you a drink?
Warm water. Or Hot horlicks if I have my kaya toast in front of me.

25. Red or White Wine?
Neither. I don’t like the taste of wine. Or any alcohol for that matter.

26. Favorite dessert?
Cedele’s Walnut Carrot Cake and Patisserie Glace’s Rin Rin Ice Cheese Tarts. And now, Checkers’ Cheesecakes!

27. The perfect nightcap?
A cup of hot chocolate or warm milk. But I’m still avoiding the former. =x

I’d love to see your replies to the above Food Meme as well now that I’ve done mine! Hehe. It would be a great way to get to know all of you better in terms of FOOOOOOD! We need it to live, we need it everyday, and we all love good food so I’m sure these questions should be pretty simple to answer. Just copy and paste the above as a comment and type away!! Ooh! And if you have any more questions you would like to ask me in relation to food, fire away! x)

.: day 55 :.

You know what one of my favourite things about recovery is? As in seriously? I know it may sound really weird and totally crude, but one of my favourite things is the ability to go to the toilet around the same time every morning and get all that junk out of me the way God intended. I remember a time when constipation was ‘normal’ and not going toilet for 3 or 4 days was typical even though it would leave me bloated and feeling uncomfortably fat. Whenever I did manage to relieve myself, however little, there would be this feeling of satisfaction because I would feel ‘clean’ again. I guess being able to go regularly is too underrated and so many take it for granted. But I love it! =x So imagine how icky I felt this morning, feeling overly bloated and still not having any signals that said it was time for some output. It made me want to skip breakfast just to feel less heavy. I guess all I needed this morning though, was a little extra input from my breakfast before my body woke up and started working proper.

I know I know, this may be a little bit too personal maybe? But I was thinking about the days when it was awful being constantly constipated, or rather, having too little food inside of me to even create any waste. And then when I finally did feel like going, I would have too little energy to even clear out my system properly. I would take Senokot, vowing that it would be the last time because I did not want to ruin my body but as it does not work instantaneously, I would take more tablets than directed, one day after another after another. And then during one of my Support Group sessions, I met a lady who had suffered from ED for about 20 years before she managed to beat it. I tell you, she looks amazingly gorgeous and womanly now. The confidence she exudes is one that I admire but that’s not the point I am trying to make. The thing is, after 20 years having BN and being perpetually hooked onto laxatives, she now has to live with one of those ‘waste’ bags attached to her 24/7. It isn’t obvious of course, but it made me realise how much I was toying with my body, not allowing myself to believe in how much the consequences of my actions could impact my life.

In Monday’s Straits Times, there was this article that ran about Pro-Ana websites fast becoming popularised in Singapore. There are people out there who are advocating AN as a lifestyle choice and it really angers me that they dare to trivialise such an illness. To me, even treating it as a lifestyle choice points to the fact that the person ‘practising’ it has a problem already since they are obviously using AN as a means of controlling some aspect of their life. Their inability to accept their own body, their desire to be skinny in order to ‘look good’ surely is a problem in itself and should never, ever be promoted as a matter of choice. It disgusts me as much as it saddens me.

Sometimes, I wish I had a loudhailer that would allow my voice to be heard all over Singapore, even better the world, just so that I can scream some sense into these people. Of course, there are times when I think to myself, “Nat, you have not completely recovered yet, so who are you to preach to others what they should or should not do?”. That may be right, but knowing what I know having gone through AN makes me so eager to make others know and understand that there is so much more to it than simply not eating, that there is more to life than being thin, that being thin does not equate to being happy. In fact, we all know that ED and depression are pretty much best pals! Argh! Just talking about it is making me feel all frustrated.

Breakfast: Kashi’s Go Lean Mix with Soya Milk

Having no more yoghurt in stock in our fridge, I opened my new carton of soya milk to pair with my cereal. It was nice but I still prefer Kashi’s with yoghurt because yoghurt keeps the cereal from becoming soggy too quick.

Dad and I went for a walk around MacRitchie after breakfast but I’ll spare you the wordiness and leave you with a few interesting pictures!

Lunch: Chinese Food with an Indian Twist at Indian Wok

We went to Dad’s friend’s restaurant in Siglap for lunch and it was simply exquisite. I am honestly not saying this because it is owned by Uncle R. One thing about me right now is that I get quickly disappointed with food if it does not meet my expectations because now that I need to gain weight by eating, it irks me when I have to consume food that I feel really isn’t worth my stomach juices.

Look at the smile on Dad's face! x)

Indian Wok, I am delighted to say, exceeded my already high expectations that was set as a result of more than a few outstanding reviews. Indian Wok actually serves food that is more Chinese rather than Indian, despite its name. Think: Chinese food with a hint of Indian flavour – just like how Chinese food probably tastes in India.

We ordered Crab Claws for starters and they were awwwwesome! We each had a full piece of crab claw and they served them in relation to our size which I thought was really good. So Dad got himself a ginormous claw while I got a big enough claw. When the crab claws arrived, I was shocked because for one, I did not know that they were going to be deep fried, and secondly, I had expected them to look more like this:

but we got this instead:

I was not mentally ready for the deep friedness but when I took a bite, the slightly spiced batter was deliciously crispy and hardly oily at all. It was topped with a lovely sweet chilli sauce and lemon juice with fresh cut chilli could be added to the crab to create that umami zing to contrast with the sauce. The crab claw was meaty and the starter as a whole simply wow-ed me. I could rave about this all day long and if Mum and Dad were right next to me right now, they too would be adding their two cents’ worth about how divine this dish was!

The Slice Lamb in Black Pepper Sauce was another dish that I would gladly return again and again for. The meat was luscious and tender with no sign of gaminess, and the black pepper, not overwhelming. Its texture was smooth, almost like venison (or what I can remember of venison) and the lamb was so lean. Incredible how ambrosial this was actually! Definitely a must-try for anyone who steps into Indian Wok.

For our vegetables, we ordered the Three Treasure Vegetables – Tender Babycorns, Asparagus and Mushrooms cooked in a Mild Garlic Sauce. This was very much like how the Chinese do their vegetables. It was definitely a well-prepared dish – extremely fresh and wonderfully flavourful. What I really liked was that the asparagus were sliced thick, and tasted sweet yet crunchy. The thing about vegetable dishes I find is that you cannot go far wrong with them but to make them outstanding really requires great culinary skills. I will not say that Indian Wok’s vegetables deserve a standing ovation but they were definitely beautifully cooked.

Our carbs came in the form of Chicken and Egg Fried Rice. OOooh boy! This was yet another dish that is making my mouth water just thinking about it now. The fried rice had a gorgeous ‘wok hei’ taste, possible the best ‘wok hei’ flavour I have had in Singapore thus far. The use of basmati rice ensured that every grain was well separated and not at all mushy. As for the chicken, they did not come in miniscule shreds. Rather, generous chunky meat came with the rice and the meat was moist and so very very tender. Simply amazing! The egg was surprisingly tasty as well and not simply mixed into the rice.

Our entire lunch was well worth a place in my stomach. Bloatedness; distendedness – Who cares? Every dish here was mind-blowing and I relished every single bite. To top it off, the service was impeccable with the waiters refilling our glasses every so often and dishing out the food for us as they came. The main man overseeing the running of the restaurant was adamant that we try their dessert, especially after finding out that our lunch was complimentary of Uncle R. So Mr. Main Man ordered a Peach Fantasia for us even though we kept declining.

I was intent on giving the extra dessert a miss but when it was brought to our table, curiosity got the better of me and I took a little to try. It was a peach-shaped, peach-flavoured ice-cream that had a ferrero rocher ‘pip’, and a biscuit wafer base.

It was my first time in a long time having proper ice-cream (unless you count frozen yoghurt as ice-cream) and while my first instinct after eating it was of slight panic, I managed to relax and bask in the joy of feeling such contentment at not entertaining any ED thoughts. x)

Price wise, Indian Wok is a little on the high side but I assure you, for the quality of food, service and ambiance, it is well worth it!

Tea: Peanut Min Jiang Kueh from Pin Le

I decided to give the min jiang kueh from Pin Le a chance this afternoon to see how it fared. It was pretty similar to Jollibean’s actually, save for the thinner batter and less generous peanut filling.

I found Pin Le’s batter a little anaemic looking which is why I ended up toasting it prior to eating it so that the skin would be crispier. It did the trick but the batter was somewhat rubbery.

I liked the filling but then, anything peanut tends to catch my fancy. I cannot really say whether Jollibean’s or Pin Le’s min jiang kueh is better. They are quite on par to me, but Jollibean’s is definitely the one to go to if you want a heavier snack. Tanglin Halt still rules!! x)

Dinner: Thunder Tea Rice at Amoy Street

I had to have my weekly fix of the Hakka power salad! Hehe. I’ve raved about this one too many times so I shall save repeating all the reasons as to why I love eating thunder tea rice.

I met up with Ping, Roe, CMY, Shir and Sera after dinner at Paragon for a little chill-out. It has been ages since I last saw them and it just reminded me once more how fast time can really fly. It has been almost 10 years since we have known each other but when I think back to our secondary school days, I cannot help but think that those days happened yesterday. I miss passing notes to Ping even though we were desk partners. And sitting in the library drinking hot 3-in-1 milo. And getting scolded by CMY. Things were so simple then.

It was nice catching up with them, laughing with them, enjoying their company just like always. Time has stood still for far too long for me and now, it really seems like the tape has started to roll once more. Sure, I still find social gatherings rather daunting at times, but since most of my friends know what I am going through, they are understanding and accomodating. I really appreciate that despite everything, they still bother to ask me to join them for meet-ups and treat me just as I want to be treated – normally. Because that is exactly what I am. Normal. I love them so much!!

Dessert: Cheese Tart from Dino House & Cafe

I actually contemplated trying their Rum Slice which is basically a chunk of rum chocolate embedded in the middle of a swiss roll. But I decided to stick to the cheese tart mainly because I have not had anything ‘tart’ this week and I needed my dose of buttery pastry!

Anyway, after so many weeks of eating out, I think I may be taking a step back after next week. I will still be challenging myself but I really miss Mum’s cooking. So I was thinking that after next week, I will want to eat home a little more often and probably eat out about half the time instead of 90% of the time which is what I have been doing now. Food at diners, eateries, restaurants, hawkers and coffeeshops are often really good to eat, but at the end of it all, my stomach still belongs to Mum. =)